On Musical Feels

I'm one of those people who is prone to high emotion when it comes to music.

I get shivers when listening to particularly beautiful harmonies or a finely crafted medley in counterpoint. I act out songs I'm singing or singing along to. I get excited when I hear a song or melody I love.

And of course, I cry when I hear a touching tune or lyrics, or if I feel a song magically (or purposefully) synchronizes with my own life experiences.

Tears can be for many reasons, though. They could be happy, sad, nostalgic, bitter, just plain cathartic, or any combination of those.

One song has stuck out to me in the past little while. I've only heard it a handful of times in the last 6 months, being a little ate to discover it. I had heard a parody of it and liked the tune, so I checked out the original. I didn't know what the song was about, and I wasn't familiar with the band, so I really didn't know what to expect. What I ended up with was a half-listened to indie rock song that had me huddled into a weeping ball of feels in the corner of my bed. I've listened to this song 4 times in the past 6 months, and every single time, was reduced to tears.

All it took was a couple of lyrics to rip my soul out to bleed all over the carefully-crafted, perky, intellectual outer self that I show to the world:

"Look into my eyes
It’s where my demons hide
It’s where my demons hide
Don’t get too close
It’s dark inside
It’s where my demons hide
It’s where my demons hide

I can't escape this now
Unless you show me how"

Regardless of what the song was actually about, to me, it bared the little dark part of me that I'm ashamed and afraid of. The fact that I truly and really feel like I'm unworthy of love. And no matter how many wonderful friends tell me that they care, or how often I see family, I feel on the outside.

Even those that I love seem to always have people that they love more. All my friends have other friends that they like better than me and would rather hang out with, all my family members have other family members that they love more than me that they get along better with than me. And I don't have any of that. I don't have a best friend or a boyfriend. I don't have any family members that I truly bond with, that I feel would have my back no matter what. I'm absolutely certain that in every single relationship I have, I've either somehow done something horribly wrong to make me less worthy of their affection, OR there is something wrong with me that they just don't deem me worthy. Whether this is actually true is irrelevant, but I certainly feel that way.

And here's the strangest thing of all: *I* like me. *I* think that I'm a smart, reasonably attractive young woman with tons of excellent qualities. For some reason, I just don't think anyone else sees that. Maybe that's ultimately my fault, maybe it's not, but either way, it's become habit to assume that I belong on the perimeter, only getting the occasional scraps tossed to me out of sympathy or pity.

So what do I do? I shut myself away at home with the only person I know for sure enjoys my company: myself. I don't let people come close to me. I don't go out. I back away, convinced that there is something fundamentally wrong with me which is why I never seem to be good enough for other people. I put on a smile to cover the hurt. I do my darndest to logic away my sad feelings. And most destructively of all, I self-soothe with food and fantasy.

And that's the worst thing of all. I've built an extra layer of "stay away, and for God's sake don't hurt me" in the form of an eating disorder and escapism.

I never have to force myself to go out to social events, because thanks to near-daily binge eating, I usually feel too sick to go out anywhere. AND it's highly unlikely that anyone will ever come over to my apartment, because I'm so busy eating and escaping into books, movies and video games that I do not have time for housekeeping. Messy house = no people.

And you know what? Nobody had bothered to try to break through these barriers. Don't get too close; it's dark inside. And on those rare occasions when I've tried to invite someone special in, I've been ignored, or worse, hurt so badly that that I shut up again, more tightly than before.

I've tried in the past to get help to pull myself out of this dysfunctional thinking, but the sad fact is that I have no incentive to do so. I'm not so sick that I can't be a contributing member of society, I don't wish to harm myself, and aside from minor weight gain and digestive upset, I'm not actually hurting myself. And the only one my bad eating/housekeeping habits affects is me. And I know from past experience that leaving my shell leads to hurt...

Oh, I'll go out to perform in burlesque shows, and compete at the Masquerades...because those are places I feel I actually have something worthwhile to offer people: in the form of entertainment. People appreciate entertainment, and so it's something I can give to others to maybe (?) feel like I'm worth something?

So where does all this leave me? Sitting alone in my apartment, unable to listen to a stupid indie rock song without bursting into tears, and trying to connect to people the only way I seem to know how: through a computer screen. A medium that lets me stay comfortably far away from anyone that might actually get close enough to see my demons.

On OKCupid Courtship

I think I may have scared off yet another man with the idea of actual courtship...

I got a message from a guy on OKCupid. It happens from time to time. I don't actively use the site, but I leave my profile up in the off chance that someone cute comes along. And this one was cute. And not only cute, but in uniform! The first thing on his profile was "I'm in the army as a combat engineer."

After my initial amusement at my own reaction to that sentence (My Mass Effect-saturated brain responded: "A combat engineer? I HATE THOSE GUYS!"), I decided to message him back. This is what followed (sorry for the transcription, I couldn't figure out how to screenshot, lol):

(initial small talk)

Him: Haha what are you looking for?

Me: Something simple, but committed. And short term, because I'm moving out of country next year.

Him: Okay sounds good :) so lots a sex then :)

Me: If you're here just looking for "lots of sex" I'm really not interested. Sex is certainly important in a romantic relationship, but it's certainly not the focus for me. I'm looking for companionship above all.

Him: Yeah I know I'm just being a deushe bag. Sorry

Me: No problem! I just want to be clear as possible...It seems most of the guys on this site are just after sex, and I have no time for that kind of nonsense. So what are you looking for?

Him: Well you said short term. So let's be in a relationship until you leave then

Me: Whoa there, soldier. Just hold your horses. I don't even know you. I don't know anything about you other than your job.

Him: Haha okay can I come spend the weekend with you and we can get to know each other?

Me: OR we can chat a bit here or on Facebook, then we can get coffee if you're in town.

Him: That's going really slow babe

Me: Yes. Yes it is. What else did you expect? Relationships, romantic AND platonic, take time and effort if you want them to be worth anything. The wold isn't ending tomorrow. There's plenty of time. :)

Him: Ok

Him: U realize I live far away right?

Me: I have family in Petewawa. I know exactly where it is. Why did you message me if you're not going to be in town from time to time? Do you expect a woman to just invite a strange man into her home for several days that she just met online? That's a recipe for disaster! Besides, I would think that you living a few hours away would be the perfect excuse to get to know each other before meeting up.

Him: Yeah true. If I had a girl in Ottawa I would come down for sure

Me: Do you have Facebook? It's easier to chat there. :)

...and I never heard from him again. Not that I would really want to.

The whole interaction really made me wonder, though. When did talking and getting a coffee become too slow? Is sex as soon as you meet the norm now? What the hell is so strange about getting to know a person before LETTING THEM INTO YOUR BODY!?!?!?!?! Also, when did "short term relationship" come to mean "lots of sex"? Am I just out of the loop here? Am I taking crazy pills?

Seriously.

Looking back, I also noticed that as soon as a guy start to turn on the douchebaggery, I get really preachy... :P I think I feel like I need to teach those poor misguided souls how human interaction is SUPPOSED to work.

In the end, it's all quite amusing, but I can't help but worry for my own rapidly-fading romantic future. How am I ever going to find love in this superficial, instant-gratification world, when I'm still clinging to old fashioned ideals of courtship and common sense?

On Feminism

This isn't going to be an intellectual discussuion - just a little note to elaborate on my recent Facebook post.

Yesterday, I posted a story about a co-worker who was telling a story about her husband saying that he didn't like the dress she chose to get to a wedding, and went out, unasked, and bought a new dress for her to wear, then pressured her into wearing it. A male co-worker remarked that "ALL women like it when their man buys them a new dress" and I told him that was a liiiiitle sexist. He then asked if I was a feminist (not in a particularly nice way, either). And, despite an initial cringe at the accusation, I said that yes, I was a feminist.

The discussion that ensued amongst my Facebook friends really focused on the dress story. Was he right? Was she over-reacting? Was he being controlling? By the point of my post was not really that story, but of identifying, for the first time in my life, as feminist.

In the past few years, I've made a lot of new friends through the burlesque and cosplay communities. And among those new friends are a several outspoken feminists. The kind that often post articles and videos addressing feminism.

As for myself, I have been mostly silent on the subject. Although I'd never admit it, I never identified as a feminist because of the social stigma - society said that feminists are man-haters, shit-disturbers, and more interested in whining about their problems and quoting statistics than actually doing something. I have always believed in equality between the sexes, but I was bred to believe that feminism was not the way to get there. I mean,look at what happened, just now, when I looked up "Why feminism..." on Google:

But after months of being bombarded with feminist thinking in my newsfeed, something clicked. I recognized it in my own life. I saw it happening in front of me (even if it was just a small offhanded comment) - not just that, but I recognized it, and addressed it, even I had to push through my own social training to do it (Seriously, I mentally flinched when he asked if I was a feminist).

But here's the thing: I would not have noticed that slightly sexist comment if I hadn't learned how sexism works and how it manifests itself. And who taught me? Feminism. All those videos and articles and comments that my feminist friends have been throwing all over my newsfeed, and even the big corporations who have started a trend in mainstream media that addresses things like feminism and homophobia and bullying. They may be doing it for the attention and customers, but it's still a good message.

It took a good long while, but the message eventually sank in. And now, I'm not ashamed to say that I'm a feminist. And feminism is so so so important. And I sincerely thank all my feminist friends who have, and continue to, educate the masses.

I want to be a part of the solution, not the problem. Sexism (along with homophobia, bullying, shaming, etc) has NO place in the enlightened mind and enlightened society.

Leah Out. *drops mic*

On Psychic Readings

Today I had my very first reading by a medium. It was an event organized by a co-worker at her place, and I want to record what the medium said for posterity so that I can see how much of it actually happens. In brackets is what the medium said verbatim.

My spirit guide:
-is female
-she specifically female because "You don't like to listen to men"
-is Scandinavian (so I might recognize her voice if I hear Scandinavian words/phrases)
-has a dry sense of humour
-is very chatty
-hasn't been pushing my spiritual education lately, but will start doing so now because there are "think you need to do on a spiritual level"
-she says I have strong empath ability, but that is "isn't my path"
-my current path is to develop my psychic/medium powers - though that may not be my ultimate destination
-to develop my psychic/medium skills, she is sending more dreams and more intuition
-she takes me out of my body every night to develop these skills and to connect with other spirits
-she says I need to spend more time in nature
-there is "too much noise surrounding you where you live and where you work"
-I should take an extra 5 minutes on my way home from work to walk through a park, to connect with nature, and drain negative energy (helps to touch a tree)
-she is working on my mediumship skills - there are a couple of spirits in my house (
just chillin') and they are the reason I wake up at 2-3am every morning (this is a time of day when the veil is thinner)
-this will also cause me to see more shadows around the house, see thing from the corner of my eye
-the spirits in my house know that I can connect with me, so they try to talk to me, which is why I wake up in the night - but they're not there to harm me, they're just "wanderers"
-she and I have had very stubborn fights - the most ridiculous being that once, we argued (ie I argued with myself) about what potatoes to use in a meal. She was apparently the voice of reason that said "A potato is a potato!!!" and it was "The stupidest conversation she ever had"

Tarot reading
-I'm currently need to try to take control of my life (pertaining to money in particular)
-I need to start focusing on my own path in life (as opposed to others' paths)
-I need to build the foundation of my own life
-If I lend money, I need to make sure its to the right people (because I can't expect I'll get it back)
-I'm about to start a new spiritual journey and develop new spiritual powers
-I'll be financial "okay" for the next little while, but I'll need to make some financial decision using logic rather than emotion
-There is someone around me who "may be interested in a relationship", who may be "good for me", who is looking for romance, "someone who wants to please you" - "the problem with them is that they don't like to make decisions so you'll end up having to take control"
-the next few months: contemplating the past, moving remorse, breaking down emotional walls, new beginnings in learnings
-3 months: planing money for the future, no changes in job situation
-6 months: doing things to help re-energize physically/spiritually
-**side notes from the medium's own spirit guide "He really wants you to start looking at your eating habits" "He wants you to be eating more throughout the day rather than waiting for the meals" "He wants you to be more of a grazer" Also, "He doesn't see anything major coming up for you" (health wise) and he warned me about eating too many bananas because they are no good for my digestive system in large quantities.
-1 year: moving forward and forgetting about the past, new money coming in as a result of a relationship (but I'll have my own money, so the relationship will be an equal one, not dependant) "I know you said that you don't have a boyfriend, but one is coming"
-The next year, I'll be building stability in my own life, and so in a year, I'll be in a place to be a relationship back in.
-1 .5 years: relationship will be solid - it will get be out of the feeling of being stuck, money will be good, but I'll be saving it for an event (trip abroad)
-the person in the new relationship will also love to travel and we'll be planning this trip together
-there will be family issues - with a male family member (Dad?) - and it will be resolved
-1.5-2 years: trip will happen - it'll be a place that I just said that I've never been there, so let's go there - but it's not a honeymoon, just a trip with the boyfriend
-2 years: starting spiritual journey
-family in-fighting - will cause trouble in the relationship but will likely not lead to a break up - especially if it's recognised that the issues are not about the couple, but about the other family member(s).
-3 years: distant relative will pass away (possible cause of family in-fighting? Distant relative had extended illness before passing?)
-everything will turn out positive within the relationship in the end though
-3-4 years: job upgrading/training, success with money
-4 years: new friend will come in to help with spiritual path (someone I knew from a past life, and I'll know it)
-5 year: "You'll go through a whole bunch of spiritual training", spirit guide will come in a big way to guide you, and you "move forward with confidence"
-6 years: "new-found trust with the people around you"
-7 years: "Your partner moving forward with his career"

at this point, there was a pause as he took up his cards, then he asked:

"Did you choose not to have kids?"

Apparently he asked his own spirit guide about kids (which he usual does in readings) and his spirit guide "He just said 'no'" he wasn't sure if I was medically capable or just chose not to have kids. According to him, I have no "spiritual children assigned to me." and "There are no kids in spirit waiting for you"

Other random notes from the medium's spirit guide: he called my exes "dinks" (and finds that very funny). He also said I'll be travelling a lot because it's a passion. I'll have a generally good and successful life. Also, down the line I'll be taking care of someone else's child, maybe my partner will have one of his own, or someone will not be able to take care of theirs. It'll be an older kid (9-10 years old) and it will only be temporary. "You're going to have a straight and narrow life, which is kind of your personality"

Angel cards:
-There's a happy move coming where I work or live, the spirits and my own intuition will help me get there
-I am a healer, but right now, my focus is not on healing
-It's safe for me to be powerful, to be who I want to be rather than what I think others want me to be, and to explore the world like a 6 year old
-Have hope, because there are a lot of wonderful things on the horizon that I haven't seen yet
-TREAT YO SELF

He also gave me tips about how to meditate in order to connect with my spirit guide, and channelling my psychic skills by meditating.

SO

We'll see how much of this pans out and if I'll manage to "connect" more with my Scandinavian spirit guide. Maybe she's a shieldmaiden, which would account for my attraction to blonde badasses in TV/movies. It's my spirit guide yelling "YES!! LISTEN TO HER!!! LET IT GO!!! GET YOUR GUN AND BRING IN THE CAT!!!" Ha ha ha!

Mass Effect-Fueled Dreamings

What happens when Leah plays Mass Effect 2 all day, then again right before bed? THIS DREAM!

I was just an ordinary person, living in an small off-world colony. I was helping out in a medical clinic. One of the doctors came into the room with a fussy baby, his mother had died and his father was a soldier fighting in another star system. He was bringing the baby to a wet nurse who was in the room with me. The wet nurse told him that she didn't have enough for yet another baby (she was feeding several already), but the doctor didn't have much of a choice, so he gave the baby to me (the wet nurse already had a feeding baby in her arms) to hold while the wet nurse finished.

I tried to calm the baby down, but he was obviously really hungry and kept nuzzling at my shirt. Then I remembered that I had given birth a few weeks previous as a surrogate for another colonist, and I wondered if maybe I still had some milk left. So I tried to breastfeed the baby, and not only did he latch immediately, but I still had some milk left for him. I felt so bad for the little guy, and the sad situation that he was in. So I decided that I wanted to help in a bigger way than just helping out in a med clinic.

When he was fed and sleeping, I put him down, and went straight down the recruitment office (which just happened to be down the hall from the clinic), and told them I wanted to enlist, but I wasn't sure what I could do. Maybe a medic, as I'd been helping out in the clinic?

Then the dream time-jumped, and it was much later. I was Shepard-ifed, and the colony was under attack. There was a Heavy Mech coming down the hallway, and I had just run around a corner to regroup because I was completely out of ammo, and I knew there was a storage locker with more just around that corner. It was a bit chaotic, colonists screaming and running around. I shoven them out of my way and towards the med, clinic, shouting at them to get inside (the clinic was a fortified bunker) and seal the vault-like doors.

Once they were all out of my way/on the way to the bunker, I had a bit of time before the Mech reached the corner, so I pulled open the ammo locker, and it was packed with boxes of clips, but the labels were all facing the wrong way, so until I pulled them out, I didn't know if I was pulling out bullets for the shotgun, pistol or rifle. I frantically pulled out of couple of boxes, but wasn't able to find anything I could use for the guns I had on hand.

The, suddenly, the Mech came crashing around the corner. I stumbled back and rolled out of the way of its blasts, but there was no way I could fight and my crew was nowhere to be seen. So I ran.

When I got to the clinic, the last colonist were running into the clinic and they'd started closing the heavy door. I had been hit, and my shields were failing and I was just about to collapse. I got halfway through the door and was too weak/injured to go on. The Mech was lumbering down the hall, so reached out my hand I screamed to the colonists to pull me the rest of the way through. They just stood there, staring, like deers in headlight. I screamed again to pull me through. Just one quick pull and I'd be through the doors. They were two feet away from me.

The Mech was almost at the door, so I screamed once more that they needed to pull me in and close the door or else they'd all be dead very soon. Still nothing. I started to panic, not that I would likely die, but that, I was endangering them. I was half through the door, and if they didn't pull me in, they wouldn't be able to shut it, and they would ALL die.

And I felt such guilt! If I hadn't tried to save myself, they'd be safe behind the sealed door already...

Just then, the Mech appeared right behind me, and that seemed to snap the colonists out of it, and one lady grabbed by arms and pulled me the rest of the way in, while three men hastily close the door and sealed it. WAY too close for comfort.

Once the door was closed, I staggered to my feet. I could feel the adrenaline buzzing through my whole body. A potent mixture of relief that I was alive, anger at the surviving colonists and guilt that I almost got them all killed. They were all standing around me, staring. In the end, anger won. I raged at them with more anger than I've ever had in my waking life. "WHEN I TELL YOU TO PULL ME IN, YOU FUCKING PULL ME IN!!!!" then I doubled over, clutching my head in my hands and just screamed in anger and frustration, staggering forward. I just had to get away from them.

The crowd backed away without a word, too stunned to speak, clearing a path in the direction I was heading (to an empty corner for the room). When I was apart from the other colonists, I fell to my knees and sobbed. For everything that I lost and almost lost. The colonists were too afraid to approach me, so they just started going about their business of figuring out what to do next.

I knew that sooner of later, I'd have to pull myself together and take charge. But in that very moment, I had to get it out.

And I really wished that someone - anyone - from my crew was there to comfort me just this once...

Then I woke up.

And I woke up feeling really good. Even though the emotions and sensations in the dream were WAY more intense then usual, I guess they were more cathartic than anything, so I woke up feeling more refreshed then usual. And 2 minutes before my alarm was set to go off, even!

On Speaking Up

I know I shouldn't be surprised when shit goes down at Walmart, but today really got to me.

I was standing in line at the checkout, and in front of me was a morbidly obese fifty-something lady in a scooter who was barking orders at her companion (they were possibly related? Or roomies?). The other woman was small, stout, and elderly, and was slowly putting the stuff from her scooter basket onto the conveyor belt. All throughout, the scooter lady was snapping at her to grab this or put that there or watch out for that. She was unpleasant, but some people are like that - such is life.

But once the stuff was bagged and the other lady was moving it from the counter to a shopping cart, she got downright mean. Yelling at her to "WATCH IT FOR GOD'S SAKE! THERE'S A JAR IN THERE!!!" or "God, can't you do anything right?" or passively aggressively telling the clerk that "She never does anything right. She's always been that way." All the while, the old lady just took it meekly, responding in nothing more than a weak protest, if anything at all.

I stood by, listening, brow furrowed. In my mind, I was fighting against the urge to say something. I know it was none of my business, but there's mean, and there's abusive, and this was toeing the line. The clerk met my gaze at one point, and he sort of gave me a "I see this...but what can I do?" look, and kept bagging.

Oh, but then, shit hit the fan, and I couldn't hold my tongue any longer. The scooter lady started telling right at the other one "She's mental! I can't believe you're such an idiot! Can't you show a LITTLE bit of intelligence?!?! Geez, that's why you're seeing a shrink." ANd she was saying it loud. Practically announcing it.

In the steadiest voice I could muster, and against all social etiquette, I piped up, "That's not necessary! You don't have to speak to her that way."

Oh man, scooter lady, whipped her head around (she was facing away from me), shocked and annoyed, "You don't know what she's like! She has mental problems!"

I replied that I worked every day with people who have mental health disabilities, so I do know what it's like (which isn't far from the truth). And that there's no reason to speak to anyone that way. Ever.

She went on to say that "Well, she's even worse at home. YOU don't have to live with her! She has to see a psychiatrist! And never helps out around the house, because she says her *haaaands huuurt*. Ugh!" On and on she went about how terrible this other woman was. The clerk continued silently bagging, avoiding locking eyes with anyone. The scooter lady was still facing away from me (the size of the scooter prevented her from turning around, but the elderly lady was facing me, so I smiled sympathetically and mouthed that I was so sorry. She seemed genuinely thankful for someone sticking up for her, and smiled at me and nodded.

When I was paying for my stuff, I tried to broach the subject with the clerk, but he just said that they're regulars, and there's isn't much they can do.

But isn't that elder abuse? Isn't that a reportable offence? I mean, shouldn't people be concerned that this is a regular occurrence?

Maybe I'm too sensitive about this... It just really bugged me. And now I feel like speaking up wasn't enough. Like I should have done more.

On Letting it Go

I'm watching a doc about the making of "Frozen", and the bit about the song "Let it Go" reminded me of my own experience of letting it go.

I'm not generally one to let a Disney movie guide my life. Not in any major way anyhow. I mean, I identify with various characters, like Alice and Belle. But Disney has always been more of an excuse to sing out loud than a real driving force.

But everything came together with Elsa. It was a matter of being at the right place at the right time.

I decided that I would cosplay her before I'd even seen the movie. I saw the video for "Let it Go" and I kinda liked the song, but more importantly, it had cosplay appeal.

After doing Ronon Dex for PopExpo, I had learned a few things about Masquerades: You get points for character popularity, elaborate craftsmanship, and general wow-factor on stage. The moment I saw "Let it Go," I knew it had the potential for all of that, and more! The newest Disney princess movie, a glam sparkle-laden dress, and a power ballad. Score.

I knew that a gazillion others would be cosplaying her, but I didn't care. I was going to give myself free reign on this costume. NO set budget, no holds barred. I was convinced that given the resources, I would make the best one. I mean in terms of replication - making an animated characters into a living breathing woman.

So I started planning a good month before I saw "Frozen" at the cinema (and I loved it, of course), and the insanity began. But good, cosplay insanity!

At the same time as the work was at its peak, I happened to be going through some pretty intense romantic heartbreak. I won't go into details, but suffice it to say, I had been pretty emotionally wrecked by a careless male-type, and o my life was not living up to the fairy-tale dream.

I think that I used Elsa as a bit of a motivator. If she could let it go, so could I! She didn't need a man, so men be damned! And as a bonus, at the time of the aforementioned heartbreak, I was just starting to poke my head back out after a couple years of depression. I'm actually surprised that I didn't retreat back into my shell! Instead, I reasserted my own powers (of costuming!), made my home my ice castle, and finished up the costume.

In the end, it paid off, because my Elsa cosplay (along the bestest human prop ever!) won Best in Show, and wow-ed the international cosplayers (who watched the Masquerade as unofficial judges). And I got my groove back. I let it go. I let go of all the snide comments about my geeky lifestyle, and I let go of the aching in my broken heart, and I made snow magic on a stage.

To this day, and despite countless viewings of "Let it Go," I still get goosebumps. I see Elsa taking down her hair, and I see myself. And not just because I make spare cash by imitating her for children :P

On Language Learning

Anyone who knows me knows that I'm addicted to language learning.

A few days ago, one of my former university profs set up a Welsh language learning group, so I look a look, and he posted a link to free online lessons. Out of curiosity, I checked out the site, and they had an interesting approach to language learning: No pens, no paper - audio only until you're comfortable conversing.

They said that speaking ought to come first with no reading or writing at all. In fact, trying to read/write while learning a new language is distracting and detrimental to fluency because when you are looking at letters with a bias of your own natural language, it confuses your brain and the new langauge has a harder time sticking.

I thought that was a reasonable claim, so I decided to take a try at Welsh. My excuse being that if I'm going to live in Bristol, I'll be right next to Wales. And I really did love Cardiff and would want to visit more - and see more of Wales. Also: another language is ALWAYS fun!

So I downloaded the lessons onto my phone and am now listening to them on the bus on my way to work.

So far, so good. Listen, learn, repeat. What I didn't expect was humour!!! After about 15 minutes of learning and repeating "I/I am" with various combinations of verbs (try, like, want, say, speak, do, go, stay, know), the instructor then said:

"Great! You can already say some really useful things! The next time someone's telling you their life story in the office when you just want to pop out for a sandwich, you can say: 'Dw i'n trio mynd!' If they're a Welsh speaker, they'll be surprised enough to shut up for long enough for you to escape. And if they're not a Welsh speaker, they'll be so busy thinking 'I didn't know you spoke Welsh!' that you'll get away just as successfully. See how handy Welsh is?"

Cracked me right up!

So we'll see how long I'll be able to keep to this langauge. I was doing the Rosetta Stone thing for a long time (Italian, German, Russian, Spanish) and I find that while it's great for proper, intenstive study (for a variety of reasons), it's not great for casual learning because it IS so intensive.

If you're at all interested in learning Welsh, check out these lessons: https://www.saysomethingin.com/welsh/

On Bad Days

I'm having a bad day.

I know bad days happen, but this is one of those bad days where I just need to talk (type?) it out.

But I can't talk it out because various people that are involved in the various things that are making me sad have access to this blog.

Suffice it to say that I feel generally stupid. I was holding back tears all afternoon, and just started sobbing as soon as I got home.

Work is going good, plans to move are in place, and I love my friends and hobbies...but that's not the trouble.

For all that *most* areas in my life are doing just fine, there is another couple of areas that just keep dragging me down. And it seems that every time I come out of my shell and try to improve those areas, I end up in worse shape than I was before.

Guh. I can't wait for these sad feelings to go away. I know they will. But for now, I shall deal with them using tears and chocolate.

And possibly Battlestar Galactica.

On Sexy-Times Dreams (NSFW and TMI)

I really really wanted to talk about this dream with my friends...but something tells me they might just respond with "Ack! TMI LEAH!" So I'll tell the internet.

As you probably know, I love talking about my dreams. Not the "fantasies/goals" type, but the "movies in your head when you're asleep" type.

So if you feel like sex is TMI, click away and come back another day, ha ha!

My dream last night started innocently enough. I was at work. But then, I suddenly felt really really sexually tense. Not just horny, but "I need it right frakking now" Now, this doesn't happen to me in reality (thank goodness!) but it was so bad that I couldn't focus, so I went home.

When I got home, I tried....er....soothing myself. But that didn't satisfy me. I was still unreasonably hot and bothered. Then something strange happened. I assumed that nothing I could do to myself would help. So my brain did one of those weird dream things, and I morphed into someone else. Two people actually. A happily married couple that I had seen on TV. Because I guess my brain said that if I was going to be with a man, it might as well be with someone I was in love with. Being single, though, I don't have that someone that I'm in love with, let alone married to, so my brain had to turn me into some fictional character with a loving husband.

But even after fantastic sex, and I was alone and myself again, I was still going mental! Out of desperation, I once again worked on myself, almost to a frenzy. And the split-second before what I assumed would be a mind-blowing climax, I woke up. But it didn't end there. I woke up orgasming. I had been dreaming, and therefore in muscle atonia (your brain naturally makes you not able to move when you dream so that you don't end up acting out your dreams), so I didn't lay a hand on myself in reality. Not a touch. It was all my mind.

And the weirdest part was that it was more intense than my usual self-servicing. Not more intense than actual sex, but still. Noticeably more intense. And that had never happened before. I mean, I've had dreams that were really hot, and I woke up and finished myself off, but never had I ever been there completely inside my own mind.

When I recovered and fully woke up, two things occurred to me. The first being "How the hell did that just happen?", and the second being "Geez, am I really THAT sexually frustrated?"

I still haven't figured either out, but nevertheless, it was an interesting experience. Have any of you had something like this happen?

On Motivation (Geek Style)

It's no secret that I'm no good at being healthy. I never exercise, and I'm a junk food junkie. I've tried countless times to start working out and eating better, but they never last long.

The fact is that I have never had any REAL motivation to be healthy. All the times I've started a new workout or tried being conscious what I eat, it's been because a friend was starting to eat better, or I thought I OUGHT to start exercising. I was always done as a result of outside influences. And I just don't have the willpower to sustain that kind of activity.

Suddenly though, I find myself WANTING to be active, and it's a very strange feeling! This evening, I got up from the couch with the express purpose of fetching a cookie from the kitchen, but then, my brain hit autopilot, and the next thing I knew, I was hooking Fezzik up to his leash and heading out the door! Not just that, but I find myself waking along in the morning (I need to start walking before I start running) and I feel compelled to RUN, I've never EVER wanted to run in my life. Ever. Never.

Seriously. I've spent my whole life convinced that my body was not meant for motion. The fact that my brain was telling it to run is completely backwards!


In brief, after only three days of properly motivated ultra-light exercise (full-body stretches and 20-30min power walk in the mornings), I'm already seeing a radical change in myself. My thinking is different, my body image is improved, I'm more productive at work, and I'm eating better without even thinking about it.

I thought about it, and I've figured out what changed.

For the first time in my adult life, I have a fictional hero. Well, heroine.

Over my years of geekdom, I've run into a lot of heroes and heroines, many that I admired, and many that I related to. Aside from Shae (which was a last-minute, two weeks from Comiccon kind of project), I always cosplay characters that mean something to me for one reason or another. Not to mention my various fandoms that I frequently draw on for inspiration.

This time, though, I've found a heroine that I both admire AND relate to. And it's made my brain say "Hey, I want to be more like her!!! Now....how can I do that?"

It seems it was the secret ingredient I needed to fuel my own motivation. Just like my Doctor Who lunchbox motivates me to pack a lunch every day rather than buying my lunch, my own supreme geekiness has provided me with the motivation I need to get up my arse and get moving every day.

Now, my problem is keeping my enthusiasm at bay so that I don't injure myself in my quest. My fingers are crossed that I can keep this up. I'm not worried though - while my willpower may have its limits, my geekery knows no bounds.

It's pretty frakking cool. ;)

On Small Insecurities

I've been really happy lately.

It's a nice by-product of newborn nieces and awesome cosplay events, I guess!

But I had a bit of a rude awakening this morning. Thinking about it rationally, it may be I felt these negative feelings because I'm pretty sure I'm PMS-ing and likely just wee bit more sensitive than usual.

I was standing on the bus (rush hour means no seats, ugh) and I was standing next to a really REALLY hot guy. Tall, fair, sharply dressed, and he looked like a cross between Eric Northman and Daniel Jackson *total fangirl swoon*. While were we practically invading each other's personal space on the cramped bus, I was non-functional *Error!! Error!! Cute boy!!*. I get that way around guys I find attractive, sadly, ha ha ha! So I just awkwardly played it cool and stole glances every time I had to look forward to see out the front of the bus.

Never made eye contact, though. That would be crazy. ;)

That wasn't the issue.

The problem was what happened when I stepped off the bus and my brain resumed function.

My first thought was "Well, he was cute, but there's no way he'd look twice at me. My hair is pulled back in a boring pony, I'm not wearing any make-up, I'm wearing an amorphous bob of a sweater, and there's dog hair all over my trousers." Which led to the thought "In my state, what guy would EVERY look twice at me?" which led to "You know, Leah, if you put a bit of effort in you daily grooming, maybe they would" which then led to "Yeah, that'll never happen. You value sleep over getting pretty-fied. A shower and clean clothes are all you have time for..."

Even after all those thoughts had passed, I had to step back and say "Whoa! That wasn't very nice!" It confuses me that I can be so confident in pretty much everything else I do, but when it comes to attractive members of the opposite sex, I'm suddenly 14 years old again.

I suppose I'll always have small insecurities, but I do want to get married and have kids some day. And unless I can get over myself, I'm afraid that may never happen!

On Confidence

Confidence is a funny thing.

After an amazingly wonderful day, I decided to spend the evening camping out in the basement for some respite from the heat (I don't have AC). So I set up my tent and sleeping bag (it's an unfinished basement, so no furniture - just concrete) in the basement and brought my laptop for some Netflix goodness. But after about 5 minutes, I realized that I didn't want to watch movies...I wanted to sing!!!

YouTube karaoke is one of my favourite things ever, and after a few songs, I thought "Hey...on this new laptop, I bet it would be easy to record some singing!!! So after a bit of figuring out, I recoded a song. And it didn't sound half bad! I mean, the quality obviously wasn't the best, and I hadn't warmed up or anything, but still!

So I recorded a whole bunch of songs!!!

Then, I decided that it was time to post them publicly. Despite a couple of friends telling me I should post some singing over the years, I never felt confident enough to do so. But today was different for some reason.

It must be all those happy hormones that are racing through my veins after spending the afternoon with my newborn niece!!

So if you ever wondered what I sound like, feel free to watch below (warning, I'm NOT a professional singer, ha ha!):

"J'avais rêvé" (I Dreamed a Dream) from "Les Miserables"


Love Changes Everything from "Aspects of Love"


La monture from "Notre Dame de Paris"


At the Beginning (duet with pre-recorded internet stranger) from "Anastasia"


There's a Fine, Fine Line from "Avenue Q"

On Conviction

Something's changed.

Something in my brain has said "Wake up, Leah. It's time to drop the act." And I didn't even know I was putting on an act!

But I figured it out.

I grew up pretty sheltered. And even when I stopped being sheltered, I maintained a certain level of innocence. Though intelligent, I remained childishly naive.

I learned a few things recently that shook me up. And that's when it hit me. Although there's a part of me that wants to cling to the childish and naive, I've realized that it's not who I am.

For years, I've been unconsciously playing the "Little Girl" because deep down, I want to be looked after. I guess I believed that I couldn't look after myself. I was just too soft and squishy to make it on my own. It seems like a strange view to have when one spends a lifetime on one's own. I live on my own, I travel on my own, I'm reluctant to ask for help...

But it's amazing the kind of clarity and rational thinking that can be found in the midst of an emotional maelstrom. I worked my way through the bullshit and found myself in the eye of the storm. Once there, I realised that I'm not a little girl...

I'm frakking badass!

So it's time this little girl grew up and owned up to her convictions.

But don't worry, "growing up" doesn't mean "acting like a grown up." You wont see me eating All-Bran and watching "The National", or running any frakking marathons. Oh no! I'm going to keep on doing just what I'm been doing. Because it's been amazing!

On Life Lessons

Sooner or later, every child comes to the point when they realize that their parents are not gods, that they are fallible. Parent make mistakes, they don't see everything that goes on, and they are not privy to all of the secrets of the universe.

This discovery is a little shattering whatever your age when it happens.

But what I've discovered is equally traumatizing is the day that I realized that books were not infallible.

I grew up learning from books that truth and honour would always win out in the end. Sometimes it was not the easy path, but it was worth it in the end. If feelings were hurt unintentionally along the way, it was okay, and all was forgiven. Who could truly have ill will towards someone who had your best interests in mind, even if slightly misguided?

It was a rude awakening when I was called on to be honest in my own life. I strove to be as fair and truthful as possible, but then the person accused me of "fucking her over." And she's has refused to speak to me since. I tried to help both of us, and all she saw was the end result. What's worse, though, is that people I've spoken to about the situation agree with her...

I was suddenly faced with the realization that the real world was too suspicious to recognise and appreciate honour.

Then there's love.

Oh, love.

I grew up reading about romantic love being a state when you couldn't sleep or eat for thinking of the other person. Where if you were meant to be together, you found a way. Where proving your love to someone was as simple as a sweet display of courtship or a tender gesture. And more importantly, if you were in love, you KNEW it. Because either you recognized it, or someone else would tell you so.

And so, I've always lived my life accordingly; by being direct and offering kind and courtly, though unmistakably romantic, gestures.

What books didn't prepare me for was for a distinct lack of intense passionate emotions or recognition of courtship! Gestures that are completely ignored or dismissed as being "not overtly sexual, and therefore not romantic". Or feelings about him that don't keep me awake or distract me from work, but that creep into my mind in the quiet times when the TV is off and my eyes are shut and my thoughts are calm....and then I wonder - Is that love? Because I have no idea.

Books made love and honour seem obvious and simple.

And what I'm finding now is that, like my parents, books don't have all the answers.

Trouble is, though, that old habits die hard, and I'll either end up losing my honourable head (metaphorically speaking) or spending my life as a spinster, ever waiting for a lad to ask if he can have this dance.

On Needing a Man

The last few weeks have been really good for me.

I blame the fact that Ottawa Comiccon is done for another year (no more cosplay stress for awhile) AND that I ended up winning Best in Show in the Comiccon Masquerade. That was quite the confidence boost and made the stress all worth it. :)

But in this lovely relaxing post-Comiccon glow, my mind has once again turned to the one thing that continues to bother me, even when I'm as contented as I've ever been: my singleness.

Through the haze of sad single-girl-ness, though, there's a thought that can't help but shine through. I really don't NEED a man. Clearly, I'm doing fine without one. And for some reason, that bothers me. My mind is conflicted.

I crave romantic companionship. Sex is not even the issue. It's the closeness I want. The kisses and cuddles and deep conversations. The kind of man that is more than a friend, and more than a friend with benefits.

I've come close, oh so close, but right now the problem is that I can only offer a short-term relationship. I mean, I'm leaving the country next year. And now that I'm looking at men who are in the area of 30 and up, they are mostly looking for a long-term relationship. Or a quick lay. Either way, it leaves me with precious little to work with.

But these days, every time I get disappointed about my lack of romantic prospects, I can't even take myself seriously! The emotional part of my brain says "I'm lonesome! I need a cuddle!", then the logical part says "Pfffft, you've gone without cuddles for long enough to know that you can survive perfectly well without one." And I can't help but take my logical side more seriously, ha ha ha!

For the most part, I find my own whinging to be half-hearted now. A couple months ago, my loneliness was a ravenous wolf tearing up my soul....

....but now, it's more like a wrinkly little pug, staring at me with sad googly eyes. Still there, but far less threatening...

Sad pug Leah just wants a cuddle.

On "Capturing Your Moments"

Tonight's section explained how paying attention is a way to cultivate mindfulness. It's realizing that you're awake and knowing what you are doing.

This is definitely something that I have trouble with.

The section says lapses in awareness are frequently caused by an eddy of dissatisfaction with what we are feeling/experiencing. In my case, I avoid thinking about things that are troubling me. I distract myself so that I don't have to face the things that make me feel discomfort.

There are a lot of things in my like that I'm dissatisfied with. I'm not unhappy; just dissatisfied. And most of the time, I keep myself in an ignorant fog so that I don't have to deal.

For example, I can't save money to save my life, but if can't save money, I might as well spend it on something fun and nerdy that will distract me enough to make me forget how lousy I am at sticking to a budget. I put myself into a junk food coma almost every day when I get home from work, because it distracts me from the fact that I'm ashamed that I'm too lazy to cook for myself. I have a multitude of solo hobbies to distract me from the fact that my social anxiety keeps me from going out and enjoying time with the people I care about.

And most sadly of all, I wear costumes and put on stage personas to distract myself from the fact that, deep down, I don't think that the "real me" is worth people's time. After so much hurt and heartbreak, I've becomes so sensitive to the judgement of others that I can't deal with people without having some kind of facade to hide behind.

So many times I've tried to break this cycle of dissatisfaction/distraction, but I've always ended up failing because distraction is so much easier. And facing shame and disappointment in the self is hard. And it hurts. And why feel pain when I can just ignore the fact that the pain exists?

The exercise from this section said that a way to learn to pay attention is to stop and ask yourself "Am I awake?" "Where is my mind right now?"

Right now, my mind is above itself. It's observing itself. It sees the patterns of shame/avoidance that are scattered all over my life. This is my way of waking up. Writing is my meditation. It's a way to focus my thoughts and to empty my brain. Will that help? Maybe. Maybe not. But it's calming, and it forces me pay attention. So for now, I'll keep writing.

On "This Is It"

The title of today's reflection is "This is it"

It discusses the fact that this present moment is what we have, the moment when we choose our own path. We are in this moment and there is nothing more.

The chapter explains that "true" meditation is meditation for its own sake, for the purpose of being in the present. It's not *meant* to relax, to experience a special state, to become a better person, to reduce stress or pain, to break out of old habits and patterns, to become free or enlightened These are all good reasons to practice meditation, and may be a positive result, but the PURPOSE of meditation is not to achieve results, not to have a particular purpose. Other than simply being, of course.

I've always sought meditation to achieve results. Except when I was in Korea and in the temple meditating regularly. But there, I wasn't doing it for a particular reason, but because it was generally beneficial to centre oneself and to be present and in the moment.

Jigwang Sunim taught a lesson one week in our study group that being in the moment was so powerful because a moment can change ones life. A decision, while possible deliberated upon for a long time, takes only a moment to make. In a moment, choices are made. They are not made while we're in the past or future because there is no way to be in past or future. Now is when everything happens.

This chapter says something similar, and adds that when we let go of wanting something else to happen in this moment [aside from simply "being"] we are taking a profound step towards being able to encounter what is here now In other words, stop fretting about results and distractions, and just focus on existing for the sake of existing.

When I was taught to meditate, the key word was "nothingness." That's what meditation is: a state of nothingness, of being nothing. But not in the sense of blankness, of vacuum. In the sense of potential. Of a space that is empty because it's preparing to be filled. That makes it a dynamic nothingness rather than a static one.

The chapter ends with acceptance - that's what you're doing by being present in the moment for no other reason than "being." It's acceptance without prejudice whatever is happening in the moment, knowing that what happens in the next moment is yours to choose.

I'm not going to set myself any mindfulness tasks for the time being. I'm just going to try to integrate mindful thinking into my regular way of thinking. To accept and acknowledge what's happening in the present moment (especially the currently difficult times at work) and use the next moment for decisive action of my own choosing.

On Stopping

Today's section was called "Stopping" which is essentially what you do before becoming mindful. You can't just flow seamlessly from mindless to mindful. There has to be a moment where you just stop, switch everything off, then move forward with awareness.

For me, that would mean paying attention to what's happening to my mind and body rather than just avoiding it by distraction.

There were not passages in this section that stood out to me, but the basic theory did, because I experienced it today.

My mindfulness tasks that I set myself yesterday were to not play games on my phone in bed, and to eat one meal mindfully. Well, I managed the first one, but not the second. I'm not surprised, because mindless eating has been a big problem for me for years, and it's not a habit I'll change quickly. I make too many excuses for mindless eating.

I didn't really have a breakfast, just a coffee and muffin as I worked. And I didn't feel like sitting alone at my desk eating when I could socialize with my co-workers. So it had to be supper. I thought about it all afternoon. It was payday, so I was tempted to grab supper at the food court at Bayshore and bring it home. But upon reflection, I realised that if I was going to really take my time and think about what I was eating, fast food wasn't appealing. So I settled on some homemade stew in the freezer. But on the way home, my old habits kicked in and I stopped at Subway on the way home for a steak salad with southwest dressing. With fast-food in hand, I really didn't want to eat mindfully. So I scarfed down my enormous salad and 1000 calories worth of chocolates while watching the first half hour of Dr Phil.

I was WAY overfull, but it didn't matter, because I was distracting myself from the physical discomfort with TV.

And then I realized that I had to go out. I was almost out of dog food, and was planning on going tomorrow, but then I remembered that tomorrow is Good Friday and that the pet store would be closed. I had to tear myself away from my the things that were distracting me from my food coma. The minute I got up from the TV, I started feeling it. I felt bloated and slightly nauseated, and my insides were making unhappy noises. But I had no choice. I had to go to the pet store or else Fezzik would starve until Saturday.

So I popped a peppermint (good for digestion) and started getting ready. Every fibre of my being protested, but I had to go.

While on the bus, shifting uncomfortably to accommodate my food baby, my instinct was to try to distract myself. To plug in some music and read. But seeing as I'm trying to be mindful, I decided to stop and try to be in the now. It sucked, because I felt shitty, but I survived. And more importantly, I learned a lesson: binge eating + no distractions = unhappy body.

Among the things I learned from Jigwang Sunim was that Buddhism is very logical. It is based on a the principle of cause/effect or action/consequence: if you do this negative thing, it will have negative consequences If you do this positive thing, it will have positive consequences. It's almost absurdly simple, but it's applicable to more or less every facet of our behaviour.

So Leah needs to get back to basics when it comes to mindfulness. Mindfulness allows her to be aware of the consequences of her actions, rather than ignoring them (consciously or not). Leah has to learn to STOP and pay attention. Hopefully, it will allow her to understand that there's a reason why things aren't working out in her life.

Last night's dream: There was an alien invasion, and the world leaders were too busy squabbling amongst themselves to do anything helpful, so I decided to help myself. There were giant bombs going off in the distance, so I packed a survival kit which included easily repurposed clothing, some non-perishables, matches, sewing kit, photos of my family, first aid kit, sleeping bag and tent. And during the packing, I pulled on a pair of sensible white cotton underwear, which I'm pretty sure were a metaphor for me putting on my "big girl panties."

Mindfulness tasks for tomorrow: Since I have a day off, there is no excuse to not try, once more, to have one mindfully-eaten meal. I'll also meditate for 5 minutes at some point during the day.

On Helping Myself

Sadly, I've come to a point in my life, once again, where I can't cope in a healthy way any more. I've made an appointment with my psychologist for next weekend (who I haven't seen in over a year) and started thinking about the things that need to be dealt with.

But this time, I'm not going to rely on my therapist alone to "fix me." This time, I want to try to take things into my own hands. When I was last seeing my psychologist, he recommended a book to me about mindfulness. And since mindfulness is widely used in Buddhist philosophy (though it's not exclusively Buddhist, of course) he felt I would relate to it after having studied Buddhism in Korea. It's a national bestseller called "Wherever You Go, There You Are," He had said that I should be reading and reflecting on one section per day. Each section was usually no more than a page, and I tried my best to do this, but while I read, I didn't really reflect.

So this time, I'm going to reflect. And posting it to my blog will force me to be accountable for this daily reading/reflecting. And not only that, I'll doing mindfully, with no distractions as I read, then write. NO snacks, NO TV, NO music, NO phone, NO Facebook. And I'll set myself daily mindfulness tasks.

I've been been on autopilot too long, and it's not doing me any favours. And if there's one thing I learned from my teacher at the temple in Korea, it's that in order to lessen (or exterminate) a negative state of mind, one should cultivate its opposite. To lessen hatred, strive to be more loving. To lessen apathy, teach yourself to become engaged. To break monotony, be spontaneous. To lessen anger, cultivate compassion...You get the picture. So to lessen my current indifferent and negligent existence (and it's resulting negativity), I'll try to engage in mindfulness.

You don't need to follow this exercise, but I will post it in case anyone else is interested in cultivating mindfulness. What I'm doing is reading the section from the book and jotting down thoughts that particular words and phrases in the sections lead me to. The italicised parts are the words from the book and the rest are my own thoughts. I'll also include other thoughts like the previous night's dream if it was significant.

April 16, 2014: “What is Mindfulness?” and “Simple, but Not Easy”
Mindfulness: I learned about this Korea from Jigwang Sunim at the temple. Mindfulness is paying attention to everything you do. To act with purpose and meaning, being fully aware of the task/state at hand and its consequences, good or bad. Everything from walking down the street or eating a cookie or speaking with another person, to doing a task or reflecting on an action, is done without distraction, internal or external.

Automaticity: Most of my days are full of automaticity. Often revolving around the internet. I automatically check my email/Facebook the first thing when I wake up, periodically throughout the day, last thing before bed and sometimes even when I wake briefly at night. I delays my bedtime and distracts me from work. Food is also automatic. I almost never eat without reading or net-surfing or watching TV, and I eat without think about my own satiety, my hand moving from food to mouth without pause until whatever is in my hand (plate, bag, box...) is empty. I’m not full until there is no food left in front of me, and there is no reasonable limit to what I put in front of me. Also, I multi-task constantly. Even when I do things I love to do like crafting or writing, I’m usually watching TV or listening to music. Most evenings, I have, simultaneously, the TV on (often muted) the laptop open to the side (with several windows open and a show playing on youtube - paused if music or TV is on), my phone in my hand (with a game open), music on if the TV is muted, and a craft project in front of me. Unless I’m sleeping, there is never quiet - for fear that I may hear myself think.

Effort and discipline: I’m lazy and weak willed. I lack the discipline to keep my life in order. My house is a wreck, my finances are dire, my eating/cooking habits are deplorable, my crafting is scattered and full of unfinished projects and I can’t be bothered to see people socially.

Encountering deep emotions: I avoid anything that’s not happy and cheerful. As a result, I’ve lost my ability to cope with difficult or unpleasant situations. I avoid, divert, ignore. Things pile up or get completely forgotten. I lack the willpower to stick to an improvement plan because when something happens, I place self-soothing ahead of sticking to plans. Keeping myself comfortable, content and away from all things unpleasant is my highest priority. A few days ago, I let myself feel deep emotions and I spent the evening in tears and the next day depression (with a crying spell that had to be taken to the work bathroom). I can’t cope.

Watching daily life with alert interest: I don’t. I coast mindlessly. If I paid attention and became mindful, I would be overwhelmed by unpleasantness - chores that are piling up, bills needing to be paid, work needing to be caught up on, feelings of loneliness and inadequacy, the over-full and vaguely nauseated feeling after a junk food binge, the friends and family I’m letting down by not participating in their lives, the craft projects that lie unfinished, the plans that I’m putting off making, the hurt that still remains from from my previous failed relationship, the budget I’m not sticking to, the money I’m mis-managing...the list goes on. Instead of paying attention to all the negatives, I switch off the viewing screen of my life and distract myself with something that doesn’t make me feel like a failure.

Last night’s dream: I dreamed I took a spiritual journey onto some kind of astral plane where I could observe my own subconscious objectively. I was taught that negativity was the result of an outside force manipulating your subconscious thoughts. In my teacher’s case, I saw playing like a film in front of me a stern looking woman who started shouting at him “You’re a no-good failure just like your father was!” It was his grandmother. But he waved it aside saying that a shaman was creating this negativity in his mind, and to pay any attention to it would be only feeding the evil powers of the shaman. I had to learn the difference between sincere feelings and formulated lies.

Mindfulness tasks for tomorrow: I will eat one meal mindfully, I will not check my Facebook or play games on my phone while in bed.

On Makeup

Okay, rant time.

I've been seeing a lot of these "Dare to Bare" shenanigans, which dares women to go without makeup. While I don't disagree with that end (and it was nice to see some of my loved ones with clean faces), the fact is that I don't wear makeup on a daily basis.

This is a project that targets women who cover up their natural beauty and encourages them to not be so dependent on beauty enhancers. Which is fabulous. But as a non-makeup wearer, I don't feel like it's celebrating those who don't feel the need to cover up. Our faces are out there 24/7 without makeup, so why would be post a gratuitous selfie?

This bring me to the REAL matter behind this rant: my own makeup complex. You hear me. Complex. There's a good reason I so seldom wear makeup. It's mentally exhausting. Here's why:

"Oh Leah! You're wearing makeup today! You look so pretty! You should wear makeup more often."

This is be a harmless compliment from a co-worker. On the outside, I simply say "Thanks! How sweet of you to say!" and move on. But inside, my brain goes into slightly schizophrenic overdrive.

"She said you looked pretty! Doesn't that feel good?"
"Yes!"
She said that you should wear makeup more often because you look so pretty. Makeup = pretty. And you like looking pretty right?"
"Right!"
"Feeling pretty gives you warm fuzzy feelings, doesn't it?"
"It does!"
"WELL IT SHOULDN'T!"
"Wait....What?"
"You should feel bad about feeling pretty!"
"Huh?"
"You should feel guilty about feeling so good when you think you look pretty! FOR SHAME!!!"
"But....why?"
"Because that's not the real you. That's you covering up your natural beauty and instead conforming to society's arbitrary concepts of beauty! Do you WANT to be a walking billboard for the movement that has created generations of women with low-self esteem and self-worth? Do you WANT to keep the beauty industry from telling us what beauty should be?!? WELL? DO YOU??!?!"
"Noooooooooooooooo!!!!" *inner sob*
"So will you wear makeup tomorrow?"
"But...pretty...."
"You are pretty enough without makeup."
"But she said...."
"Forget what she said. You don't need to cover up that face. You're confident in your ability to win friends and influence people with your winning (albeit goofy) smile and quirky expressions, right?"
"Right..."
"So no makeup tomorrow?"
"I guess not."
"You don't need makeup unless you're not being yourself - So you glam yourself up for your Elsa costume, okay?"
"Okay."
"Good girl"

So yeah, that's pretty much what happens in my brain EVERY time I get complimented when I wear makeup.

As you can see, my reaction to the "Dare to Bare" challenge is a very personal one. I wasn't insulted when I was nominated, I was more confused. I don't wear makeup, so why would I be nominated to expose my face to the internet without it? It seems strange.

I guess in a nutshell, I'm wondering why we need to "challenge" women to go without makeup for a single selfie, why not for a week? Or a month? Or better? Why do we have to challenge them at all? Why is it such a struggle to not cover up?

I know that this is a issue that's been raging for decades, and I'll leave the real debate to people much smarter and more informed than myself. I guess I just wanted to express that I think that women are so much more than whether or not they wear makeup on a daily basis.

And also, makeup makes Leah a little crazy.

EDIT: I want to make it clear that I think makeup has it's place in life, just not on my face every day - I don't think we should do away with it completely...I mean, I need it for stage and costume and all. I just don't feel I need to wear it every day ;)

On Dominance

Warning, this is a little NSFW and TMI, but something that was on my mind, so I want to write it out :P

Recently, someone asked me if I'd ever asserted dominance in bed, seeing as I generally have a size advantage (I'm a tall and sturdy lass, so it's tricky to find a man taller and sturdier, ha ha ha!). I admit, most of my partners have been smaller than me in some way, either in height or frame (or both!). However, I haven't pulled the dominance card with that many of them.

My first thought was that it seemed unfair to use my size advantage, so I didn't. But then, as I thought if it more, it became more of a confidence or personality issue; more about the relationship dynamic. And it's kind of interesting to think about.

I've had partners who were physically smaller, but who had an alpha streak that I simply didn't consider challenging. But on the flip side, partners who were actually stronger, and who could (and did) physically overpower me, but I still fought against - playfully, of course ;)

More importantly, I've also had a couple of partners where I didn't even care that I could probably kick their asses in a fight, I HAD take charge. It just felt right.

I really never paid attention to it, but looking back and thinking about it, I see a trend: the partners where I took charge (with a few exceptions) were all egotistical and kind of jack-ass-y (though good-looking and charming enough to get into the non-discriminating bed of my early-20's self, ha ha!). Without knowing it, I felt a subconscious need to assert myself as dominant - perhaps I sensed some kind of weakness in them?

It really made me wonder if there isn't more of the animal in us as humans. Once we're stripped down bare, both physically and emotionally, what else is there but instinct? I mean, no wonder sex is such a horrifyingly powerful tool for abusers! A person can talk big and posture all they like, but when it comes down to brass tacks (or silk sheets), maybe instinct is what truly drives us. When we're naked, maybe we're all just members of a wolf pack trying to figure out what the pecking order is. Or even predator/prey in the unhealthier aspects.

Or maybe I just think too much about sex :P

Either way, it's been interesting to go back in time and look at my past partners in a new light :P

On Fandom

I just watched the Bronies documentary on Netflix...and I *may* have gotten a little emotional.

I'm not a Brony (or Pegasister, or whatever), although I did watch the show and I did enjoy it...but the feelings of acceptance and community that a devoted fandom provides is the same across the different realms or things nerdy.

Embracing my own fandom and letting it show through cosplay (and now nerdlesque) and going to conventions is what pulled me out of depression and into an place of happiness and serenity that I haven't felt since high school drama club. When I was little, I was unpopular. I hid myself away in books and tried desperately to be normal, which just made me miserable. When I hit high school and joined drama, I was part of a community where I could be myself, even if only for a couple afternoons a week. My castmates were my friends, and we could all be weird and wonderful together.

But as I got older, I felt pressured more and more to be "normal" again. You know, like a grown up should be.

I'm starting to see a trend: Leah trying to be "normal" = Leah feels sad and lonesome.

Trying to date just made me feel worse, because there was even MORE pressure to be "normal" because boys I was convinced that boys don't like weird girls.

Then I briefly dated a fellow nerd, and it was pretty much the best thing ever.

And now, I'm a proud Browncoat, Whovian, Gater, and Disney Princess with passable knowledge of tons of other fandoms throughout sci-fi, fantasy, and anime. And even if I'm not a particularly social person, I know that a couple times per year, I can spend a weekend with people who understand me and who get my nerdy jokes and references. I may panic at the idea of a simple party among peers, but wild horses couldn't drag me away from Ottawa Comiccon.

If you have the chance to check out "Bronies: The Extremely Unexpected Adult Fans of My Little Pony" on Netflix, please do! It's great insight, not only into the world of Brony culture, but I think that it mirrors adult fandoms in general. It's a really amazing phenomenon that I'm so grateful has changed my own life.

A Browncoats Love Letter

There are a lot of people in my life that I love dearly. But this Valentines day, I'd like to say a special, great big "I love you!" to a particular group of people.

When I first auditioned for "Browncoats Burlesque," I was super nervous. I'm not sure what I was expecting, I just knew that I was nervous. Even when I was accepted into the troupe I was nervous, because I didn't really know anybody and I had no idea what I was doing.

But once my first show was done and I had the chance to meet my fellow Browncoats and other members of the Burlesque community, as well as get to know them via Facebook, everything changed.

Not only was GeeKISSexy a GINORMOUS boost for my confidence and self-worth, but the outpouring of love that I've felt from everyone in the troupe and around it is staggering. I don't think I've ever felt so welcome and accepted in my life! And it was pretty much instant. None of this "testing the waters" stuff that is so common in a lot of the social groups I've been a part of the in past. These folk have jumped right in without hesitation. Not just in giving love, but opening themselves up to be loved. You're all kindred spirits.

I feel so blessed that I have been made a part of this little corner of Ottawa's Burlesque community. I honestly can't give enough thanks to everyone I've met in the past few months both in and through Browncoats Burlesque. You opened your hearts to me, and helped me to open mine.

I've struggled a lot in the past few years, and I feel like this has been the final step in my recovery. Proving to myself that I've healed enough to love others because I've learned to love myself. And for that, I know no other way to express my gratitude than in these few clumsy words, though I assure you, they are of the utmost sincerity. :)

Also, I want to extend extra-special, shiny, happy feelings today to a few that have been so caring and wonderful to me, especially when I've been sad. Jason, Mae, Luvy, Jean-Francois, and Gypsy...You guys are amazing <3

And so, today I'm sending love and warmth to *all* of the people that I love, but I just wanted to give a special shout-out to my shiniest, noobiest group of friends. You've made such a difference in my life, and I wanted to give that some special recognition.

On Changing My Perspective

It's been awhile since I last posted/ranted on this blog. Mostly because things have been busy/awesome and I haven't had the time to be whiny.

Between Montreal Comiccon, PopExpo, Christmas, Browncoats Burlesque, work, and people being pregnant all around me, I've had my hands full!

Now, I have a short period of (relative) calm before the hurricane starts up again, and while I'm feeling good, there a small amount of dissonance in my life.

Basically, I've been doing all sorts of awesome things (see above) that make me seem like a pretty darned cool person on paper, but I'm still single.

I don't mind being single, of course. I enjoy my own company, and I have lots of hobbies to keep me busy, but the fact remains that I like being in a relationship. I like having someone special to be with and do nice things for. I mean, I have friends, and I like to be with them and do nice things for them, too. But having a significant other makes it that much more.

Someone of you might be asking: "But Leah! Weren't you JUST in a relationship?" And to them, I would say this: Well, sort of. It was more of a failed experiment in relationship-having. It was brief, fun, and a little bit surreal. Only a few blissful weeks, followed by 2 months of not knowing exactly where I stood in the scheme of things. I'm still not exactly sure of what happened, but I have no hard feelings or regrets, and I would hope he feels the same. So once again I'm left with my heart just a little more broken than it was before. Or perhaps a lot more broken...

Either way, I'm single again.

It makes me just want to scream out "WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME??!?!?!" I want to, but I'm not going to. I know that really, there's nothing wrong with me. Nothing more than your average late-twenty-something, anyhow. By this age, we all have little things wrong with us. Little things influenced by bad choices, bad habits, and bad experiences. But I'm no better or worse off than most.

I could go into all the reasons why I'm alone. But at this point, I don't see the usefulness of doing so. For the first time in years, I'm feeling whole and healthy. I'm simply not depressed enough to sit here, wallowing in self-pity, wondering why the boys don't like me. And yet, I have a nagging voice in the back of my mind telling me that I'm really, really cool, but not cool enough to attract the opposite sex. This voice isn't a sad, helpless one. It's a confused and curious one. It's almost as if the emotional part of my brain is too busy feeling good about itself to bother with this matter, and it's the logical part of my brain that's the one fretting:

"Leah, according to my calculations, you're the ideal candidate for a relationship. You have a variety of interesting skills and hobbies. You're a patient and compassionate friend. You're passionate and lively lover. You have a stable life with a good job, and well-adjusted (if slightly weird) pets. You're smart, though a little naive, but people usually find that charming, really. And while you may be pushing 30, you knocked the socks off your audience at GeeKISSexy last week! Seriously, did I miss something? Why are you still single? It just don't make sense..."

All things considered, though, I'm glad that this sudden logical lonesome-ness isn't really having an effect on my general well-being. I like feeling good. I've been eating better, meditating every day, reading more, getting more done at work, and getting out of the house from time to time. Besides, I have things to look forward to! Things like Ottawa Comiccon (new costume!), and Browncoats Burlesque's next show (new routines!) and several babies being born this year (more knitting!). So even though the year started with heartbreak, I'm pretty sure that this is going to be a pretty epic year all around.

And if I manage to find a special someone...well, bonus!