I've been really, really lucky lately.
For one, I got a well-paying new job, which is going to open up whole new avenues for me. I can buy clothes that actually fit me from shops like "Tall Girl" I can finish making my apartment what I want it to be (I'm a couple cans of paint and a few items of furniture shy of my ideal), I can look into getting my full driver's license, I can pay off my student loan and a couple of other small debts, I can visit my friends in Europe more often...The possibilities are endless!
And you know what? I'm feeling satisfied. I don't have said material goods yet, but I don't NEED them. I'm happy with the possibility of them; the fact that I have the means to acquire them if I so choose.
And now that I'm feeling satisfied, I'm starting to feel like I don't need my luck anymore, or at least, not so much of it. I fell that it would be better spent elsewhere. I feel like concentrating all my good luck into someone else. Or a few someone elses.
I've always sent my good vibes to friends in need, but I suddenly want to do more. I want to really pray for them. I'm not Christian, but "pray" is the best word for what I'm thinking. I want to do more than "good vibes." I want to give a bit of my own good fortune to someone I love.
I don't know if that's how the universe works, but dammit, I'm going to try!!!
Tuesday, January 31, 2012
Monday, January 16, 2012
On Hearing Yourself Sing
I must be feeling especially brave today. I recorded -badly- a YouTube duet. Someone else had posted one side of a duet, and I recorded the other.
I've never really heard a recording of myself singing, and I was warned that I would hate it...But really, other than a slightly imperfect counterpoint, and a lack of proper rehearsal/warm-up, I was really quite happy with it! I mean, the recording is horrible; it was made using a webcam with a built-in mic, and a free video editing program.
SO without further ado, and a natural amount of nervous wincing, here's my first attempt at recording. I'm the voice singing with the lyrics on screen (the higher harmony and counterpoint):
I've never really heard a recording of myself singing, and I was warned that I would hate it...But really, other than a slightly imperfect counterpoint, and a lack of proper rehearsal/warm-up, I was really quite happy with it! I mean, the recording is horrible; it was made using a webcam with a built-in mic, and a free video editing program.
SO without further ado, and a natural amount of nervous wincing, here's my first attempt at recording. I'm the voice singing with the lyrics on screen (the higher harmony and counterpoint):
Sunday, January 8, 2012
On Destiny
Some people believe that the universe (God, fate, destiny, Karma, etc.) send you signs of some kind to guide you in the right direction or to let you know you're on the right track or somesuch.
And to be quite frank, I'm worried.
Now, what I'm about to write will seem awfully silly to those reading, but it's been something that's been on my mind for awhile now.
I wonder sometimes, if the universe isn't trying to warn me, to prepare me even, for the fact that I'm never going to have children of my own.
The first hint is the obvious one: my inability to develop meaningful relationships in my adulthood. A little bit of a dramatic a statement, maybe, but I'm at the age when many of my peers are getting married or at least in long-term relationships. Not to mention that my younger sister is already married.
The next hint is that I have a cat that, at times, acts an awful lot like a child. Mostly when she snuggles up to me. Don't worry, I'm not one of those crazy broads that thinks that my pet is my child, ha ha ha. But every now and then, the way Pandora snuggles up against me and wraps a paw around my fingers or arm, or curls up in the crook of my arm, is just the way a little infant would. Maybe it's the closest I'll ever get; a poor facsimile of the real thing.
The last is my natural penchant for teaching. They say that those who can't, teach. Even though I started late, I took to teaching like a fish to water. Maybe I'm destined to spend my life teaching children because I'll never have one of my own to teach. Who knows?
I'm not saying that I truly believe any of this, but it kinda bothers me. It's a thought that I keep turning back to, and I something tells me that it will keep bothering me until something happens that will prove otherwise.
So do we have a destiny? Or is our destiny one that we shape for ourselves? Am I doomed to be a spinster because all signs point to yes? Or am I creating the signs that are pointing to spinsterhood?
Oy.
And to be quite frank, I'm worried.
Now, what I'm about to write will seem awfully silly to those reading, but it's been something that's been on my mind for awhile now.
I wonder sometimes, if the universe isn't trying to warn me, to prepare me even, for the fact that I'm never going to have children of my own.
The first hint is the obvious one: my inability to develop meaningful relationships in my adulthood. A little bit of a dramatic a statement, maybe, but I'm at the age when many of my peers are getting married or at least in long-term relationships. Not to mention that my younger sister is already married.
The next hint is that I have a cat that, at times, acts an awful lot like a child. Mostly when she snuggles up to me. Don't worry, I'm not one of those crazy broads that thinks that my pet is my child, ha ha ha. But every now and then, the way Pandora snuggles up against me and wraps a paw around my fingers or arm, or curls up in the crook of my arm, is just the way a little infant would. Maybe it's the closest I'll ever get; a poor facsimile of the real thing.
The last is my natural penchant for teaching. They say that those who can't, teach. Even though I started late, I took to teaching like a fish to water. Maybe I'm destined to spend my life teaching children because I'll never have one of my own to teach. Who knows?
I'm not saying that I truly believe any of this, but it kinda bothers me. It's a thought that I keep turning back to, and I something tells me that it will keep bothering me until something happens that will prove otherwise.
So do we have a destiny? Or is our destiny one that we shape for ourselves? Am I doomed to be a spinster because all signs point to yes? Or am I creating the signs that are pointing to spinsterhood?
Oy.
A Strange Dream
You unconscious mind has some pretty interesting things to say about the people around you. I know this because I'm frequently hearing these things when I dream.
Last night highlighted a few of my friends in a way that kind of surprised me.
In the dream, I was sitting with a small group of people; some of which I knew, some of which were creations of my mind. As the dream went on, the group got bigger and bigger. We started playing circle games, tossing beanbags across and such.
When the group had about two dozen people in it, I noticed that many of them were gathering around a friend of mine (from real life) and he was speaking out loud, orating. People were hanging off his every word. I thought to myself, "He kind of sounds like one of those charismatic cult leaders".
Slowly, the group turned into a discussion. My charismatic friend started making proclamations to the group at large, back up by a small following of people. I was a little worried.
Then, one of my other friends, who is known to be very opinionated, started speaking against him. Just stating her own opinion, which just happened to oppose his. I knew that if she continued that something bad would happen, judging from the threatening looks she was getting from some of my other friend's burlier followers.
I hurried over to my opinionated friend and urged her to leave, and take my other friends with her. She wanted to stay and speak her piece. I begged her to go, telling her that situation was dangerous, and that I was going to stay to keep and eye on things.
She left, taking my other real life friends with her. And I felt really relieved. But once they had left, things turned really strange, and turned into a full-fledged cult commune. I was concerned for my charismatic friend, though, so I stayed to observe what was going on.
At one point, I saw him passing by with an body-guard-like entourage. I called out to him, saying I wanted to talk to him, but he ignored me. That was the last straw. I followed the group and when he sat down, I approached him. I was stopped by a muscular bodyguard who must have been 6'5". I stared right up at him and slapped him imperiously on the cheek, he was so shocked that be backed away. My friend didn't look at me when I walked up, but he knew I was there. I made to slap him, too, but he raised his arm and blocked me, all without even turning in my direction.
Enraged, I gabbed the back of his shirt and pulled him backwards off the stool and when he was on the floor, I slapped him smartly across the face. (I guess my dream self felt like face-slapping was a some kind of statement of defiance)
Once I slapped him, I felt like I'd made my point clear and I decided to leave. Quickly. I had the sneaking suspicion that he'd send someone to kill me. I left the building, and walked by men digging what looked suspiciously like graves in the side yard. I walked as fast as I could away from that place, all the time terrified that assassins had been sent against me.
SO yeah. That was my dream last night. It was really intense, and kinda scary, because now I wonder if that's how I truly see these friends. The one in particular.
Last night highlighted a few of my friends in a way that kind of surprised me.
In the dream, I was sitting with a small group of people; some of which I knew, some of which were creations of my mind. As the dream went on, the group got bigger and bigger. We started playing circle games, tossing beanbags across and such.
When the group had about two dozen people in it, I noticed that many of them were gathering around a friend of mine (from real life) and he was speaking out loud, orating. People were hanging off his every word. I thought to myself, "He kind of sounds like one of those charismatic cult leaders".
Slowly, the group turned into a discussion. My charismatic friend started making proclamations to the group at large, back up by a small following of people. I was a little worried.
Then, one of my other friends, who is known to be very opinionated, started speaking against him. Just stating her own opinion, which just happened to oppose his. I knew that if she continued that something bad would happen, judging from the threatening looks she was getting from some of my other friend's burlier followers.
I hurried over to my opinionated friend and urged her to leave, and take my other friends with her. She wanted to stay and speak her piece. I begged her to go, telling her that situation was dangerous, and that I was going to stay to keep and eye on things.
She left, taking my other real life friends with her. And I felt really relieved. But once they had left, things turned really strange, and turned into a full-fledged cult commune. I was concerned for my charismatic friend, though, so I stayed to observe what was going on.
At one point, I saw him passing by with an body-guard-like entourage. I called out to him, saying I wanted to talk to him, but he ignored me. That was the last straw. I followed the group and when he sat down, I approached him. I was stopped by a muscular bodyguard who must have been 6'5". I stared right up at him and slapped him imperiously on the cheek, he was so shocked that be backed away. My friend didn't look at me when I walked up, but he knew I was there. I made to slap him, too, but he raised his arm and blocked me, all without even turning in my direction.
Enraged, I gabbed the back of his shirt and pulled him backwards off the stool and when he was on the floor, I slapped him smartly across the face. (I guess my dream self felt like face-slapping was a some kind of statement of defiance)
Once I slapped him, I felt like I'd made my point clear and I decided to leave. Quickly. I had the sneaking suspicion that he'd send someone to kill me. I left the building, and walked by men digging what looked suspiciously like graves in the side yard. I walked as fast as I could away from that place, all the time terrified that assassins had been sent against me.
SO yeah. That was my dream last night. It was really intense, and kinda scary, because now I wonder if that's how I truly see these friends. The one in particular.
Thursday, January 5, 2012
Ode Lost C-Cups
Oh C-cups...
Two perfectly lovely, roundy handfuls;
Personal distraction devices;
And more fun to play with than women let on...
Many have been the nights,
The fleeting moments passing by the mirror,
When I just couldn't help but stare.
Never have I known satisfaction in my own size or shape,
Until you.
But alas,
All good thing must end
We must be prepared to say farewell.
I'm on an rigorous road of reps,
And you will simply melt away.
I will not mourn the loss of other lumps and bumps;
Jiggles and wiggles;
Pounds, puckers, or any other pesky pinchables.
But I will miss you.
B's just don't compare to you,
Oh C-Cups.
Two perfectly lovely, roundy handfuls;
Personal distraction devices;
And more fun to play with than women let on...
Many have been the nights,
The fleeting moments passing by the mirror,
When I just couldn't help but stare.
Never have I known satisfaction in my own size or shape,
Until you.
But alas,
All good thing must end
We must be prepared to say farewell.
I'm on an rigorous road of reps,
And you will simply melt away.
I will not mourn the loss of other lumps and bumps;
Jiggles and wiggles;
Pounds, puckers, or any other pesky pinchables.
But I will miss you.
B's just don't compare to you,
Oh C-Cups.
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