On Finding the Root of the Problem

As you all know, I've been seeing a therapist since March, and now, 3 months later, I'm still surprised at some of the things I've been discovering about myself.

When I first decided that I wanted to seek professional help, it was for social anxiety, specifically, social anxiety that was created very uncomfortable and inconvenient psychosomatic symptoms (physical symptoms which are caused by or notably influenced by emotional factors). I assumed that it would be relatively simple to get the whole thing sorted out.

My first big breakthrough was when the Dr and I sussed out that my anxiety stemmed from a fear of social situations. Makes sense, as I was bullied pretty badly when I was a kid. I thought that would be the end of it. As it turns out, things are not that simple.

In the last two weeks, we have hit upon another area that more directly affects my current social nature. I never would have guessed it, but apparently, I'm too passive for my own good.

Now, I know what you're thinking: "Leah? You mean that girl with so much energy and enthusiasm that she's practically bursting at the seams? Passive? Surely you jest!"

Sadly not, is my reply.

I've never considered myself to be a martyr, or even a particularly giving person. I mean, I give when I can, and I like to be a help, but I keep to myself too much to really think of myself as a naturally giving person. But one aspect of my personality that is quite pervasive is that I do not want to inconvenience people, or allow them to feel anything but content. I put others' well-being before my own because I assume that if I didn't, I'd be considered selfish or self-centered. Example: I very rarely, if ever, as people for favours, even ones as small as getting a ride somewhere (unless they offer, of course). Why? I see no reason why someone else would want to spend the time and gas just because I want to go to T&T Supermarket, but it's a 2-hour bus away.

Of course, this is a very flawed way of thinking, because I know I would do the same for a friend. I hold myself to a double standard where it's my duty to help others when I can, but I don't believe that others should reciprocate.

This whole issue came into discussion today when discussing yesterday's competition at the Mòd Chanada. The Dr asked if any of my friends or family were there to cheer me on. I said that a few were interested, but ended up being busy that day. What about the rest? He asked. I explained that I just assumed that they weren't interested in watching a competition in a language they didn't understand, and that was okay. -But they didn't go just to support you? -No. And I just started bawling right there on the couch. No, none of my friends were there to cheer me on. I cried pretty hard, just thinking about how apparently, my friends didn't care enough to support me in my first Gaelic competition. Not that it was their fault, or that I blamed them. Just that it hurt that they weren't there. But then, the Dr said something that threw me for a loop:

"Did you tell them how important the competition was to you?"

"..." (blink blink)

"Or how much it would mean to you if they were there to support you?"

"Well...no."

"Why not?"

"Well, I put out an invitation saying how much fun it would be, with Celtic music and dancing shows and stuff..."

"But you didn't talk to them about how it would mean a lot to you if they were there?"

"Um...No"

"Why is that?"

"Well, I didn't want to coerce or guilt them into doing something they wouldn't enjoy for the sole purpose of making me feel good"

"Didn't you tell me just last week that you went to a sporting event that wasn't your cup of tea for the sole purpose of cheering on a friend?"

"Yeah..."

"So you can support your friends, but it's not okay for you to expect friends to do the same for you?"

*confused sputtering from Leah*

We seem to have discovered the root of the problem, or at least another layer of the root. So now, I'm starting assertiveness training. I have to learn to confront people around me to let them know how I feel. Not only to prevent being walked over, but to ensure that I get the love and support I need. I mean, if my friends don't know what I need emotionally, how can they provide the emotional support that friends are meant to provide? And on the other side, if I don't tell me friends if they've hurt my feelings (even without meaning it), how will they know not to say things like that again?

If I don't let people know what is important to me, how can I ever hope to break out of my hermit shell and live to my fullest potential? Man isn't meant to live alone and independent from other men; not completely. I need the support of the people around me, and unfortunately, the people around me can't read my mind, so I have to tell when I need help or support.

Funnily enough, the discussion moved to dating after talking about the Mòd (another area where I'm painfully passive). As an example of assertiveness, the Dr mentioned "wing-men" and the process of active support in the pursuit the opposite sex. I guess it's not surprising that I had no idea that "wing-men" existed outside of the world of sitcoms. And so, my therapy homework for the week is this: ask my Gaelic tutor about that cute, be-kilted piper at yesterday's competition, and if he's single, contrive with her to see him again (because, as we all know, Leah can't resist a man in a kilt...).

Be assertive. Be be assertive. :P