On Purging the Heart

Today I finished something that I started over the weekend: purging my romantic past.

As I clear out my apartment in preparation for my upcoming relocation overseas, I find myself having to part with keepsakes and knick-knacks that I just always assumed that I would keep. This weekend, I finally grew a quad and faced the collection I'd been dreading for quite a while.

I've been hemming and hawing over my 10-year-old box of keepsakes and love letters from my first boyfriend for several years. Part of me says "Keep it! It was a lovely time in your life! Why not keep those love letters to read when you're old and grizzled to remind you of your glorious Springtime? Something to show your grandkids!" the other part says "Toss it! You need to move on. Keeping that stuff will keep you living in the past, and you need look to the future! You will make wonderful new memories if you just give yourself the chance!"

Whenever I thought of that box of stuff, words from my favourite comedian, Dylan Moran always came to mind:

And to aid that memory, the woman would open a hatbox full of precious things: the Curly-Wurly wrapper that meant SO MUCH!!! The bundle of letters too painful to look at OR throw away. They have to be kept so they can never be looked at!



And that's precisely what I had. And it was as ridiculous as he made it sound. But I never had the heart to throw any of it out, simply because that Curly-Wurly wrapper DID mean so much to me! Not just that, but break up letters and arguments. I kept them to reassure myself that even in the face of adversity and heartbreak, I was able to stay level-headed and reasonable and kind. It was my way of coping with heartache.

But this weekend, I was faced with the fact that I just can't take it all with me. And it's time to move on, both romantically and in the greater sense of my life. So I decided that it was time to start anew. Not only would that box of memories go, but so would all the other bits and bobs saved from previous romantic encounters. All the emails, love notes, break up letters, EVERYTHING.

So on Saturday, I emptied out the box of trinkets and keepsakes. The nicer things went into the goodwill box, the rest went into the trash. The love letters, though, I couldn't bear to throw away. It seemed disrespectful....So I read them all one last time, then took them down to the park to one of the firepits and burned them. It seemed more poetical that way.

Today, I finished the job by going through my email accounts and deleting everything that I'd kept from my exes, good and bad. 15 years worth of keepsake emails from my first boyfriend in high school all the way to my last lover a year and a half ago.

As of today, I am a clean slate: no baggage, no expectations. I'm not going to look back any longer, because there's nothing to look back at anymore. The memories will stay, but I'm no longer anchored to the past by physical, tangible things.

There's nowhere to go but up. To infinity and beyond. :)

On Personality Traits

As I'm clearing out my apartment, I'm coming across some fun stuff, including my elementary school report cards (including teacher comments), and it's funny how some things never change. In Kindergarten, I had one teacher, but for subsequent years, the comments are given by both the French and English teachers at the end of each term. I've provided a selection here:



KINDERGARTEN:

"well-adjusted to school and class routine"
"gets along well with her peers, though at times she tends to be a little 'bossy.' With time, she will learn to use this more positively"
"a happy verbal little girl"
"French oral skills are very good"
"very motivated to learn to read as she had grasped reading mechanisms"
"Has surpassed all objectives for Grade 1"

BONUS:
Notes on the back in my Mum's handwriting:
Do you think her lisp will be detrimental in pronouncing French words? Should CHEO forms be sent in
Does she show signs of being bored?
DO you consider yourself a hard marker?



GRADE 1:

Sorry, this year's report is missing - Oh well!



GRADE 2:

"Excels in writing original stories, also in dong artistic work"
"Most of the time, Leah is pleasant and friendly"
"Always willing to share her stories and information with her classmates"
"developed very good reading skills"
"should improve her social skills in working with classmates and working in group activities"
"needs occasional reminders to stay on task"
"very sweet and creative child"
"reads well above grade level"
"I have enjoyed the way in which Leah expresses her individuality"



GRADE 3:

"works well independently"
"frequently needs to be reminded to stay on task and not fool around in class"
"She has occasionally disturbed others by teasing"
"A proficient and enthusiastic reader"
"Has difficulty focusing on her writing and needs a high level of personal motivation to produce her best work"
"She has to put more effort and interest into her work"
"Leah's written work is not indicative of her ability. She prefers to read above anything else and often has difficulty focusing on other work"
"I'm trying to help Leah become more organized"
"She is a bright girl with some very good ideas"



GRADE 4:

"Leah certainly has abilities, but because she is too often busy at doing something else, or not cooperating, these skills are not fully exploited"
"She must start working at her full potential"
"She is an interested and cheerful student"
"She has great ideas"
"Leah is encouraged to stick to challenging novels"
"Leah is a wonderful writer (...) uses descriptive language"
"has become more attentive and self-motivated"
"a strong, fluent reader - she even reads with expression"
"occasionally off task in class drawing or playing - I would like her to take writing more seriously"



GRADE 5:

"many areas could be improved in putting more efford into your work habits
"Delightful learner and good participant"
"an avid reader (particularly of science material)"
"Excellent ideas enthusiasm and very good progress in reading and writing. However, work is sloppy and projects are poorly organized and presented"
"I agree with [teacher above] regarding organization and presentation! It's been poor and deceiving! You are such a capable girl!"
"The best of luck for grade 6 (read in French)"
"I will miss your enthusiasm"



GRADE 6:

"doing well in all areas of French program"
"with more concentration on the task on hand, your results will improve"
"an enthusiastic student"
"creative, cooperative and a helpful addition"
"must work on keeping her desk and working area tidy and organized"
"continues to be a diligent student with a keen interest"
"must keep working at keeping herself organized"
"makes careless mistakes because of her rush to finish"
"You are very special!"


It's funny how even as an adult some of these things are still problems in my life. I'm disorganized and untidy (my desk at work will attest to that), I'm enthusiastic and keenly interested in the world around me, I love to read and write (but only on my own terms), and my motivation is extremely variable (but when it's on, great things happen!)