On Fathers - Part II (Daddy and Papa)

I couldn't let Father's Day go by without giving a honourable mention to two very special fathers in my life.

It takes a lot a courage to ask a woman to give up her eggs for an altruistic egg donation. It's basically saying saying, 'Hey lady, can I have your kid, but you can't raise it? And you will potentially watch me raise your kid?" It has the potential to go very badly. Not just that, but to then turn to another woman and say, "Hey, can I just...borrow your body for 9 months to incubate my baby?"

My friend had some serious cojones when he decided that he wanted a baby. Your average straight couple doesn't think twice when planning for a baby: barring any fertility issues, sex = baby. But for a single gay man, shit gets complicated. When he asked if I would consider donating my eggs, I didn't even have to think about it. Of course I could! It's not like I'm using them!

Of course, we subsequently went through all kinds of discussions and psych/legal counselling at the fertility center before everything was finalized. But in my mind, there was never any doubt that I wanted to help. Nor was there every any doubt about how much he wanted to be a father.

I was a fairly gruelling process from what I heard and I was only a small part of it (hormones, blood tests, hormones, blood bests, hormones, blood tests, suck the eggs out, BYE!). It was expensive, he had to organize the reproductive cycles of two different women in two different cities with the fertility clinic in a third city, and still carry on with his own day-to-day as the owner of a business. Struggles that the majority of baby-making couples can't even begin to comprehend. But not only did he do it, he did it cheerfully. Every time I jokingly asked "So, it it worth it?" He enthusiastically replied with a resounding YES!!!! Especially when my egg donation resulting in a staggering number of fertilized embryos (12 in total from 20 harvested eggs) AND the implantation (with a single embryo) took on the first try.

So his courage and perseverance paid off, because now, his dream is a reality, and he's got the child he so wanted. And so, I think that Father's Day has an extra-special meaning because it's wasn't just a matter of sex = baby for him. His son is, I think, cherished all the more for the fact that he wasn't so easy to bring into the world. And that deserves celebration, because as long as I've known him, he's always been a passionate career man, but I think being "Daddy" is the best job title in the world in his opinion :)

But I can't talk about "Daddy" without mentioning "Papa." I don't know my friend's husband quite as well. They met while the IVF process was underway, but by the time I met him, they were in a serious relationship, and I was glad to know that the wee one would have even more love surrounding him. And soon, boyfriend became fiancee, and a few months after the birth, husband.

Biologically, this kid is my son, but I'm not his mother. My friend's husband is not related to the baby in any way, but he is, *without a doubt*, his father. And I think this is what being a parent truly is.

Fatherhood is not what's on your birth certificate, or what's encoded in your DNA. A father is who tucks you in, reads you bedtime stories, protects you, teaches you, provides for you. And so, Daddy and Papa, you embody what it is to be a father, regardless of DNA. And for that, I'm grateful, both for myself, and for the precious little one that you brought into the world.

On Fathers - Part I (An Open Letter to My Father)

Dear Dad,

This morning, I saw this video:



I won't lie.... It made me cry a little. Mostly because it's an emotional little video, and I'm pretty sure that was the intended response. But also because it made me think about the fact that today is Father's Day and I've felt a little father-less the last few years. I miss you!

But let's start with the video - it's encouraging kids to tell their father's why they're grateful. I know that a normal kid would just pick up a phone and call. But let's face it, I'm not a normal kid. I'm not so good with words when I talk, and I feel like I can better express myself through writing, and I want to do this justice.

First of all, I'm grateful for your strength. It's a quiet kind of resiliency that carried us through what I'm pretty sure was a terribly turbulent family situation. I'm still not completely sure what happened through those rough years, first when you and Mum were going through stuff, then when we were not terribly stable financially....but that's the point. You carried that burden and didn't, as some weaker parents do, try to unload their problems on their children. We were vaguely aware that times were tough - just enough to know that we couldn't have brand-name clothes or the newest greatest thing - but as children, we weren't subjected to adult problems. I'm so grateful that you took on those problems and let us be kids.

I'm grateful for your particular brand of morality. While we don't always agree on everything when it comes to world views, you raised me to have a strong moral compass. And you did it without forcing religion or political views on me. You taught me that knowing right from wrong, common sense, respect, critical thinking, and just plain being a good person trumps any dogmatic affiliation. Your own religious and political views were set and never changed as far as I know, but you encouraged me to explore, and blaze my own path. Oh sure, you made fun of some of my flakier claims, but it was never real ridicule, but a challenge to think critically about what I was claiming to believe and how it would affect me and those around me. You didn't seem to mind that I had my head in the clouds, as long as I kept my feet on the ground. And for that, I thank you.

I'm grateful for your cooking. I'm really sad that I don't get it on the regular anymore. I know that you gave us the recipes for Christmas, but it's just not the same as when you cook it. It was cooked with love.

I'm grateful that you didn't raise us as girly-girls. You once apologized to me for not teaching us more about makeup and clothes and boys when we were growing up. You compared us to our stepmother's girls: pretty, social, stylish and never lacking for male attention, and felt bad that we didn't have the same chance to shine in those areas. But instead, you taught us to be independent, resourceful, self-assured, and creative. Sure, I'm not the most stylish girl on the block, but I win awards at costume competitions! And my everyday makeup game may not turn the boy's heads, but I make jaws drop on the burlesque stage. Sure, there were a few years where I grumped when I couldn't have the latest fashions, but I'm grateful that you taught me that what I look like is not what defines me as a person.

Really, I am who I am because of you. Oh sure, I see a lot of Mom in me, too. But my core - my strength, resiliency, resourcefulness, self-respect, determination, and so much more - was learned from you. No father is perfect, but you are are absolute credit to fathers everywhere, and I hope that I ever marry and have kids, I can only hope that he's as loving a father as you.

I love you, Daddy!

Your eldest daughter,
~Leah