Hard Truths

You've probably heard me say (repeatedly) that I've been single for over 4 years, and celibate for 2 years.

For a long time, it's been a statement of pride for me. I'm proud of my high standards and my resolve to forgo one-night-stands and wait for something more serious. I make fun my single-ness to prove that it doesn't bother me in the least.

Sadly, that is completely falling apart, and so am I.

I'm starting to realize that not only do I not like being single, but that I'm utterly and desperately lonesome. I've not been in anything even close to an intimate situation in two years, not even kiss. And it doesn't help that the last few times I had my eye on a man, it crashed and burned in a way that shocked even my therapist.

It's starting to affect my formerly unshakable self-esteem. I mean, there's only so much rejection a girl can take, right? I've never thought of myself as a particularly pretty girl, thanks to my height and plain features, but I've always been of the opinion that at very least, I clean up good; that I can be pretty if I put in a little effort. But after a series of heartbreaks and slight weight gain, it's come to the point where I'm so insecure about my body and personality that I just can't be attractive anymore, regardless of how much "cleaning up" I do.

To make matters worse, I'm retreating into myself. I'm becoming introverted and have no drive to go to any social situation. I've just given up, really. And I have nobody to talk to. I'd feel guilty unloading on my friends, and I'm not close enough with my family to confide in them. All can do I cry to myself and occasionally let loose on my blog.

But really, how can I be so unhappy? I have a good job, a roof over my head, food on my plate and friends that care. I can't always get what I want, but I always seem to get what I need...So what right do I have to be so miserable?

I just don't know.