On Motivation (Geek Style)

It's no secret that I'm no good at being healthy. I never exercise, and I'm a junk food junkie. I've tried countless times to start working out and eating better, but they never last long.

The fact is that I have never had any REAL motivation to be healthy. All the times I've started a new workout or tried being conscious what I eat, it's been because a friend was starting to eat better, or I thought I OUGHT to start exercising. I was always done as a result of outside influences. And I just don't have the willpower to sustain that kind of activity.

Suddenly though, I find myself WANTING to be active, and it's a very strange feeling! This evening, I got up from the couch with the express purpose of fetching a cookie from the kitchen, but then, my brain hit autopilot, and the next thing I knew, I was hooking Fezzik up to his leash and heading out the door! Not just that, but I find myself waking along in the morning (I need to start walking before I start running) and I feel compelled to RUN, I've never EVER wanted to run in my life. Ever. Never.

Seriously. I've spent my whole life convinced that my body was not meant for motion. The fact that my brain was telling it to run is completely backwards!


In brief, after only three days of properly motivated ultra-light exercise (full-body stretches and 20-30min power walk in the mornings), I'm already seeing a radical change in myself. My thinking is different, my body image is improved, I'm more productive at work, and I'm eating better without even thinking about it.

I thought about it, and I've figured out what changed.

For the first time in my adult life, I have a fictional hero. Well, heroine.

Over my years of geekdom, I've run into a lot of heroes and heroines, many that I admired, and many that I related to. Aside from Shae (which was a last-minute, two weeks from Comiccon kind of project), I always cosplay characters that mean something to me for one reason or another. Not to mention my various fandoms that I frequently draw on for inspiration.

This time, though, I've found a heroine that I both admire AND relate to. And it's made my brain say "Hey, I want to be more like her!!! Now....how can I do that?"

It seems it was the secret ingredient I needed to fuel my own motivation. Just like my Doctor Who lunchbox motivates me to pack a lunch every day rather than buying my lunch, my own supreme geekiness has provided me with the motivation I need to get up my arse and get moving every day.

Now, my problem is keeping my enthusiasm at bay so that I don't injure myself in my quest. My fingers are crossed that I can keep this up. I'm not worried though - while my willpower may have its limits, my geekery knows no bounds.

It's pretty frakking cool. ;)

On Small Insecurities

I've been really happy lately.

It's a nice by-product of newborn nieces and awesome cosplay events, I guess!

But I had a bit of a rude awakening this morning. Thinking about it rationally, it may be I felt these negative feelings because I'm pretty sure I'm PMS-ing and likely just wee bit more sensitive than usual.

I was standing on the bus (rush hour means no seats, ugh) and I was standing next to a really REALLY hot guy. Tall, fair, sharply dressed, and he looked like a cross between Eric Northman and Daniel Jackson *total fangirl swoon*. While were we practically invading each other's personal space on the cramped bus, I was non-functional *Error!! Error!! Cute boy!!*. I get that way around guys I find attractive, sadly, ha ha ha! So I just awkwardly played it cool and stole glances every time I had to look forward to see out the front of the bus.

Never made eye contact, though. That would be crazy. ;)

That wasn't the issue.

The problem was what happened when I stepped off the bus and my brain resumed function.

My first thought was "Well, he was cute, but there's no way he'd look twice at me. My hair is pulled back in a boring pony, I'm not wearing any make-up, I'm wearing an amorphous bob of a sweater, and there's dog hair all over my trousers." Which led to the thought "In my state, what guy would EVERY look twice at me?" which led to "You know, Leah, if you put a bit of effort in you daily grooming, maybe they would" which then led to "Yeah, that'll never happen. You value sleep over getting pretty-fied. A shower and clean clothes are all you have time for..."

Even after all those thoughts had passed, I had to step back and say "Whoa! That wasn't very nice!" It confuses me that I can be so confident in pretty much everything else I do, but when it comes to attractive members of the opposite sex, I'm suddenly 14 years old again.

I suppose I'll always have small insecurities, but I do want to get married and have kids some day. And unless I can get over myself, I'm afraid that may never happen!