On Small Insecurities

I've been really happy lately.

It's a nice by-product of newborn nieces and awesome cosplay events, I guess!

But I had a bit of a rude awakening this morning. Thinking about it rationally, it may be I felt these negative feelings because I'm pretty sure I'm PMS-ing and likely just wee bit more sensitive than usual.

I was standing on the bus (rush hour means no seats, ugh) and I was standing next to a really REALLY hot guy. Tall, fair, sharply dressed, and he looked like a cross between Eric Northman and Daniel Jackson *total fangirl swoon*. While were we practically invading each other's personal space on the cramped bus, I was non-functional *Error!! Error!! Cute boy!!*. I get that way around guys I find attractive, sadly, ha ha ha! So I just awkwardly played it cool and stole glances every time I had to look forward to see out the front of the bus.

Never made eye contact, though. That would be crazy. ;)

That wasn't the issue.

The problem was what happened when I stepped off the bus and my brain resumed function.

My first thought was "Well, he was cute, but there's no way he'd look twice at me. My hair is pulled back in a boring pony, I'm not wearing any make-up, I'm wearing an amorphous bob of a sweater, and there's dog hair all over my trousers." Which led to the thought "In my state, what guy would EVERY look twice at me?" which led to "You know, Leah, if you put a bit of effort in you daily grooming, maybe they would" which then led to "Yeah, that'll never happen. You value sleep over getting pretty-fied. A shower and clean clothes are all you have time for..."

Even after all those thoughts had passed, I had to step back and say "Whoa! That wasn't very nice!" It confuses me that I can be so confident in pretty much everything else I do, but when it comes to attractive members of the opposite sex, I'm suddenly 14 years old again.

I suppose I'll always have small insecurities, but I do want to get married and have kids some day. And unless I can get over myself, I'm afraid that may never happen!