On "This Is It"

The title of today's reflection is "This is it"

It discusses the fact that this present moment is what we have, the moment when we choose our own path. We are in this moment and there is nothing more.

The chapter explains that "true" meditation is meditation for its own sake, for the purpose of being in the present. It's not *meant* to relax, to experience a special state, to become a better person, to reduce stress or pain, to break out of old habits and patterns, to become free or enlightened These are all good reasons to practice meditation, and may be a positive result, but the PURPOSE of meditation is not to achieve results, not to have a particular purpose. Other than simply being, of course.

I've always sought meditation to achieve results. Except when I was in Korea and in the temple meditating regularly. But there, I wasn't doing it for a particular reason, but because it was generally beneficial to centre oneself and to be present and in the moment.

Jigwang Sunim taught a lesson one week in our study group that being in the moment was so powerful because a moment can change ones life. A decision, while possible deliberated upon for a long time, takes only a moment to make. In a moment, choices are made. They are not made while we're in the past or future because there is no way to be in past or future. Now is when everything happens.

This chapter says something similar, and adds that when we let go of wanting something else to happen in this moment [aside from simply "being"] we are taking a profound step towards being able to encounter what is here now In other words, stop fretting about results and distractions, and just focus on existing for the sake of existing.

When I was taught to meditate, the key word was "nothingness." That's what meditation is: a state of nothingness, of being nothing. But not in the sense of blankness, of vacuum. In the sense of potential. Of a space that is empty because it's preparing to be filled. That makes it a dynamic nothingness rather than a static one.

The chapter ends with acceptance - that's what you're doing by being present in the moment for no other reason than "being." It's acceptance without prejudice whatever is happening in the moment, knowing that what happens in the next moment is yours to choose.

I'm not going to set myself any mindfulness tasks for the time being. I'm just going to try to integrate mindful thinking into my regular way of thinking. To accept and acknowledge what's happening in the present moment (especially the currently difficult times at work) and use the next moment for decisive action of my own choosing.

On Stopping

Today's section was called "Stopping" which is essentially what you do before becoming mindful. You can't just flow seamlessly from mindless to mindful. There has to be a moment where you just stop, switch everything off, then move forward with awareness.

For me, that would mean paying attention to what's happening to my mind and body rather than just avoiding it by distraction.

There were not passages in this section that stood out to me, but the basic theory did, because I experienced it today.

My mindfulness tasks that I set myself yesterday were to not play games on my phone in bed, and to eat one meal mindfully. Well, I managed the first one, but not the second. I'm not surprised, because mindless eating has been a big problem for me for years, and it's not a habit I'll change quickly. I make too many excuses for mindless eating.

I didn't really have a breakfast, just a coffee and muffin as I worked. And I didn't feel like sitting alone at my desk eating when I could socialize with my co-workers. So it had to be supper. I thought about it all afternoon. It was payday, so I was tempted to grab supper at the food court at Bayshore and bring it home. But upon reflection, I realised that if I was going to really take my time and think about what I was eating, fast food wasn't appealing. So I settled on some homemade stew in the freezer. But on the way home, my old habits kicked in and I stopped at Subway on the way home for a steak salad with southwest dressing. With fast-food in hand, I really didn't want to eat mindfully. So I scarfed down my enormous salad and 1000 calories worth of chocolates while watching the first half hour of Dr Phil.

I was WAY overfull, but it didn't matter, because I was distracting myself from the physical discomfort with TV.

And then I realized that I had to go out. I was almost out of dog food, and was planning on going tomorrow, but then I remembered that tomorrow is Good Friday and that the pet store would be closed. I had to tear myself away from my the things that were distracting me from my food coma. The minute I got up from the TV, I started feeling it. I felt bloated and slightly nauseated, and my insides were making unhappy noises. But I had no choice. I had to go to the pet store or else Fezzik would starve until Saturday.

So I popped a peppermint (good for digestion) and started getting ready. Every fibre of my being protested, but I had to go.

While on the bus, shifting uncomfortably to accommodate my food baby, my instinct was to try to distract myself. To plug in some music and read. But seeing as I'm trying to be mindful, I decided to stop and try to be in the now. It sucked, because I felt shitty, but I survived. And more importantly, I learned a lesson: binge eating + no distractions = unhappy body.

Among the things I learned from Jigwang Sunim was that Buddhism is very logical. It is based on a the principle of cause/effect or action/consequence: if you do this negative thing, it will have negative consequences If you do this positive thing, it will have positive consequences. It's almost absurdly simple, but it's applicable to more or less every facet of our behaviour.

So Leah needs to get back to basics when it comes to mindfulness. Mindfulness allows her to be aware of the consequences of her actions, rather than ignoring them (consciously or not). Leah has to learn to STOP and pay attention. Hopefully, it will allow her to understand that there's a reason why things aren't working out in her life.

Last night's dream: There was an alien invasion, and the world leaders were too busy squabbling amongst themselves to do anything helpful, so I decided to help myself. There were giant bombs going off in the distance, so I packed a survival kit which included easily repurposed clothing, some non-perishables, matches, sewing kit, photos of my family, first aid kit, sleeping bag and tent. And during the packing, I pulled on a pair of sensible white cotton underwear, which I'm pretty sure were a metaphor for me putting on my "big girl panties."

Mindfulness tasks for tomorrow: Since I have a day off, there is no excuse to not try, once more, to have one mindfully-eaten meal. I'll also meditate for 5 minutes at some point during the day.

On Helping Myself

Sadly, I've come to a point in my life, once again, where I can't cope in a healthy way any more. I've made an appointment with my psychologist for next weekend (who I haven't seen in over a year) and started thinking about the things that need to be dealt with.

But this time, I'm not going to rely on my therapist alone to "fix me." This time, I want to try to take things into my own hands. When I was last seeing my psychologist, he recommended a book to me about mindfulness. And since mindfulness is widely used in Buddhist philosophy (though it's not exclusively Buddhist, of course) he felt I would relate to it after having studied Buddhism in Korea. It's a national bestseller called "Wherever You Go, There You Are," He had said that I should be reading and reflecting on one section per day. Each section was usually no more than a page, and I tried my best to do this, but while I read, I didn't really reflect.

So this time, I'm going to reflect. And posting it to my blog will force me to be accountable for this daily reading/reflecting. And not only that, I'll doing mindfully, with no distractions as I read, then write. NO snacks, NO TV, NO music, NO phone, NO Facebook. And I'll set myself daily mindfulness tasks.

I've been been on autopilot too long, and it's not doing me any favours. And if there's one thing I learned from my teacher at the temple in Korea, it's that in order to lessen (or exterminate) a negative state of mind, one should cultivate its opposite. To lessen hatred, strive to be more loving. To lessen apathy, teach yourself to become engaged. To break monotony, be spontaneous. To lessen anger, cultivate compassion...You get the picture. So to lessen my current indifferent and negligent existence (and it's resulting negativity), I'll try to engage in mindfulness.

You don't need to follow this exercise, but I will post it in case anyone else is interested in cultivating mindfulness. What I'm doing is reading the section from the book and jotting down thoughts that particular words and phrases in the sections lead me to. The italicised parts are the words from the book and the rest are my own thoughts. I'll also include other thoughts like the previous night's dream if it was significant.

April 16, 2014: “What is Mindfulness?” and “Simple, but Not Easy”
Mindfulness: I learned about this Korea from Jigwang Sunim at the temple. Mindfulness is paying attention to everything you do. To act with purpose and meaning, being fully aware of the task/state at hand and its consequences, good or bad. Everything from walking down the street or eating a cookie or speaking with another person, to doing a task or reflecting on an action, is done without distraction, internal or external.

Automaticity: Most of my days are full of automaticity. Often revolving around the internet. I automatically check my email/Facebook the first thing when I wake up, periodically throughout the day, last thing before bed and sometimes even when I wake briefly at night. I delays my bedtime and distracts me from work. Food is also automatic. I almost never eat without reading or net-surfing or watching TV, and I eat without think about my own satiety, my hand moving from food to mouth without pause until whatever is in my hand (plate, bag, box...) is empty. I’m not full until there is no food left in front of me, and there is no reasonable limit to what I put in front of me. Also, I multi-task constantly. Even when I do things I love to do like crafting or writing, I’m usually watching TV or listening to music. Most evenings, I have, simultaneously, the TV on (often muted) the laptop open to the side (with several windows open and a show playing on youtube - paused if music or TV is on), my phone in my hand (with a game open), music on if the TV is muted, and a craft project in front of me. Unless I’m sleeping, there is never quiet - for fear that I may hear myself think.

Effort and discipline: I’m lazy and weak willed. I lack the discipline to keep my life in order. My house is a wreck, my finances are dire, my eating/cooking habits are deplorable, my crafting is scattered and full of unfinished projects and I can’t be bothered to see people socially.

Encountering deep emotions: I avoid anything that’s not happy and cheerful. As a result, I’ve lost my ability to cope with difficult or unpleasant situations. I avoid, divert, ignore. Things pile up or get completely forgotten. I lack the willpower to stick to an improvement plan because when something happens, I place self-soothing ahead of sticking to plans. Keeping myself comfortable, content and away from all things unpleasant is my highest priority. A few days ago, I let myself feel deep emotions and I spent the evening in tears and the next day depression (with a crying spell that had to be taken to the work bathroom). I can’t cope.

Watching daily life with alert interest: I don’t. I coast mindlessly. If I paid attention and became mindful, I would be overwhelmed by unpleasantness - chores that are piling up, bills needing to be paid, work needing to be caught up on, feelings of loneliness and inadequacy, the over-full and vaguely nauseated feeling after a junk food binge, the friends and family I’m letting down by not participating in their lives, the craft projects that lie unfinished, the plans that I’m putting off making, the hurt that still remains from from my previous failed relationship, the budget I’m not sticking to, the money I’m mis-managing...the list goes on. Instead of paying attention to all the negatives, I switch off the viewing screen of my life and distract myself with something that doesn’t make me feel like a failure.

Last night’s dream: I dreamed I took a spiritual journey onto some kind of astral plane where I could observe my own subconscious objectively. I was taught that negativity was the result of an outside force manipulating your subconscious thoughts. In my teacher’s case, I saw playing like a film in front of me a stern looking woman who started shouting at him “You’re a no-good failure just like your father was!” It was his grandmother. But he waved it aside saying that a shaman was creating this negativity in his mind, and to pay any attention to it would be only feeding the evil powers of the shaman. I had to learn the difference between sincere feelings and formulated lies.

Mindfulness tasks for tomorrow: I will eat one meal mindfully, I will not check my Facebook or play games on my phone while in bed.