On Helping Myself

Sadly, I've come to a point in my life, once again, where I can't cope in a healthy way any more. I've made an appointment with my psychologist for next weekend (who I haven't seen in over a year) and started thinking about the things that need to be dealt with.

But this time, I'm not going to rely on my therapist alone to "fix me." This time, I want to try to take things into my own hands. When I was last seeing my psychologist, he recommended a book to me about mindfulness. And since mindfulness is widely used in Buddhist philosophy (though it's not exclusively Buddhist, of course) he felt I would relate to it after having studied Buddhism in Korea. It's a national bestseller called "Wherever You Go, There You Are," He had said that I should be reading and reflecting on one section per day. Each section was usually no more than a page, and I tried my best to do this, but while I read, I didn't really reflect.

So this time, I'm going to reflect. And posting it to my blog will force me to be accountable for this daily reading/reflecting. And not only that, I'll doing mindfully, with no distractions as I read, then write. NO snacks, NO TV, NO music, NO phone, NO Facebook. And I'll set myself daily mindfulness tasks.

I've been been on autopilot too long, and it's not doing me any favours. And if there's one thing I learned from my teacher at the temple in Korea, it's that in order to lessen (or exterminate) a negative state of mind, one should cultivate its opposite. To lessen hatred, strive to be more loving. To lessen apathy, teach yourself to become engaged. To break monotony, be spontaneous. To lessen anger, cultivate compassion...You get the picture. So to lessen my current indifferent and negligent existence (and it's resulting negativity), I'll try to engage in mindfulness.

You don't need to follow this exercise, but I will post it in case anyone else is interested in cultivating mindfulness. What I'm doing is reading the section from the book and jotting down thoughts that particular words and phrases in the sections lead me to. The italicised parts are the words from the book and the rest are my own thoughts. I'll also include other thoughts like the previous night's dream if it was significant.

April 16, 2014: “What is Mindfulness?” and “Simple, but Not Easy”
Mindfulness: I learned about this Korea from Jigwang Sunim at the temple. Mindfulness is paying attention to everything you do. To act with purpose and meaning, being fully aware of the task/state at hand and its consequences, good or bad. Everything from walking down the street or eating a cookie or speaking with another person, to doing a task or reflecting on an action, is done without distraction, internal or external.

Automaticity: Most of my days are full of automaticity. Often revolving around the internet. I automatically check my email/Facebook the first thing when I wake up, periodically throughout the day, last thing before bed and sometimes even when I wake briefly at night. I delays my bedtime and distracts me from work. Food is also automatic. I almost never eat without reading or net-surfing or watching TV, and I eat without think about my own satiety, my hand moving from food to mouth without pause until whatever is in my hand (plate, bag, box...) is empty. I’m not full until there is no food left in front of me, and there is no reasonable limit to what I put in front of me. Also, I multi-task constantly. Even when I do things I love to do like crafting or writing, I’m usually watching TV or listening to music. Most evenings, I have, simultaneously, the TV on (often muted) the laptop open to the side (with several windows open and a show playing on youtube - paused if music or TV is on), my phone in my hand (with a game open), music on if the TV is muted, and a craft project in front of me. Unless I’m sleeping, there is never quiet - for fear that I may hear myself think.

Effort and discipline: I’m lazy and weak willed. I lack the discipline to keep my life in order. My house is a wreck, my finances are dire, my eating/cooking habits are deplorable, my crafting is scattered and full of unfinished projects and I can’t be bothered to see people socially.

Encountering deep emotions: I avoid anything that’s not happy and cheerful. As a result, I’ve lost my ability to cope with difficult or unpleasant situations. I avoid, divert, ignore. Things pile up or get completely forgotten. I lack the willpower to stick to an improvement plan because when something happens, I place self-soothing ahead of sticking to plans. Keeping myself comfortable, content and away from all things unpleasant is my highest priority. A few days ago, I let myself feel deep emotions and I spent the evening in tears and the next day depression (with a crying spell that had to be taken to the work bathroom). I can’t cope.

Watching daily life with alert interest: I don’t. I coast mindlessly. If I paid attention and became mindful, I would be overwhelmed by unpleasantness - chores that are piling up, bills needing to be paid, work needing to be caught up on, feelings of loneliness and inadequacy, the over-full and vaguely nauseated feeling after a junk food binge, the friends and family I’m letting down by not participating in their lives, the craft projects that lie unfinished, the plans that I’m putting off making, the hurt that still remains from from my previous failed relationship, the budget I’m not sticking to, the money I’m mis-managing...the list goes on. Instead of paying attention to all the negatives, I switch off the viewing screen of my life and distract myself with something that doesn’t make me feel like a failure.

Last night’s dream: I dreamed I took a spiritual journey onto some kind of astral plane where I could observe my own subconscious objectively. I was taught that negativity was the result of an outside force manipulating your subconscious thoughts. In my teacher’s case, I saw playing like a film in front of me a stern looking woman who started shouting at him “You’re a no-good failure just like your father was!” It was his grandmother. But he waved it aside saying that a shaman was creating this negativity in his mind, and to pay any attention to it would be only feeding the evil powers of the shaman. I had to learn the difference between sincere feelings and formulated lies.

Mindfulness tasks for tomorrow: I will eat one meal mindfully, I will not check my Facebook or play games on my phone while in bed.