On Makeup

Okay, rant time.

I've been seeing a lot of these "Dare to Bare" shenanigans, which dares women to go without makeup. While I don't disagree with that end (and it was nice to see some of my loved ones with clean faces), the fact is that I don't wear makeup on a daily basis.

This is a project that targets women who cover up their natural beauty and encourages them to not be so dependent on beauty enhancers. Which is fabulous. But as a non-makeup wearer, I don't feel like it's celebrating those who don't feel the need to cover up. Our faces are out there 24/7 without makeup, so why would be post a gratuitous selfie?

This bring me to the REAL matter behind this rant: my own makeup complex. You hear me. Complex. There's a good reason I so seldom wear makeup. It's mentally exhausting. Here's why:

"Oh Leah! You're wearing makeup today! You look so pretty! You should wear makeup more often."

This is be a harmless compliment from a co-worker. On the outside, I simply say "Thanks! How sweet of you to say!" and move on. But inside, my brain goes into slightly schizophrenic overdrive.

"She said you looked pretty! Doesn't that feel good?"
"Yes!"
She said that you should wear makeup more often because you look so pretty. Makeup = pretty. And you like looking pretty right?"
"Right!"
"Feeling pretty gives you warm fuzzy feelings, doesn't it?"
"It does!"
"WELL IT SHOULDN'T!"
"Wait....What?"
"You should feel bad about feeling pretty!"
"Huh?"
"You should feel guilty about feeling so good when you think you look pretty! FOR SHAME!!!"
"But....why?"
"Because that's not the real you. That's you covering up your natural beauty and instead conforming to society's arbitrary concepts of beauty! Do you WANT to be a walking billboard for the movement that has created generations of women with low-self esteem and self-worth? Do you WANT to keep the beauty industry from telling us what beauty should be?!? WELL? DO YOU??!?!"
"Noooooooooooooooo!!!!" *inner sob*
"So will you wear makeup tomorrow?"
"But...pretty...."
"You are pretty enough without makeup."
"But she said...."
"Forget what she said. You don't need to cover up that face. You're confident in your ability to win friends and influence people with your winning (albeit goofy) smile and quirky expressions, right?"
"Right..."
"So no makeup tomorrow?"
"I guess not."
"You don't need makeup unless you're not being yourself - So you glam yourself up for your Elsa costume, okay?"
"Okay."
"Good girl"

So yeah, that's pretty much what happens in my brain EVERY time I get complimented when I wear makeup.

As you can see, my reaction to the "Dare to Bare" challenge is a very personal one. I wasn't insulted when I was nominated, I was more confused. I don't wear makeup, so why would I be nominated to expose my face to the internet without it? It seems strange.

I guess in a nutshell, I'm wondering why we need to "challenge" women to go without makeup for a single selfie, why not for a week? Or a month? Or better? Why do we have to challenge them at all? Why is it such a struggle to not cover up?

I know that this is a issue that's been raging for decades, and I'll leave the real debate to people much smarter and more informed than myself. I guess I just wanted to express that I think that women are so much more than whether or not they wear makeup on a daily basis.

And also, makeup makes Leah a little crazy.

EDIT: I want to make it clear that I think makeup has it's place in life, just not on my face every day - I don't think we should do away with it completely...I mean, I need it for stage and costume and all. I just don't feel I need to wear it every day ;)

On Dominance

Warning, this is a little NSFW and TMI, but something that was on my mind, so I want to write it out :P

Recently, someone asked me if I'd ever asserted dominance in bed, seeing as I generally have a size advantage (I'm a tall and sturdy lass, so it's tricky to find a man taller and sturdier, ha ha ha!). I admit, most of my partners have been smaller than me in some way, either in height or frame (or both!). However, I haven't pulled the dominance card with that many of them.

My first thought was that it seemed unfair to use my size advantage, so I didn't. But then, as I thought if it more, it became more of a confidence or personality issue; more about the relationship dynamic. And it's kind of interesting to think about.

I've had partners who were physically smaller, but who had an alpha streak that I simply didn't consider challenging. But on the flip side, partners who were actually stronger, and who could (and did) physically overpower me, but I still fought against - playfully, of course ;)

More importantly, I've also had a couple of partners where I didn't even care that I could probably kick their asses in a fight, I HAD take charge. It just felt right.

I really never paid attention to it, but looking back and thinking about it, I see a trend: the partners where I took charge (with a few exceptions) were all egotistical and kind of jack-ass-y (though good-looking and charming enough to get into the non-discriminating bed of my early-20's self, ha ha!). Without knowing it, I felt a subconscious need to assert myself as dominant - perhaps I sensed some kind of weakness in them?

It really made me wonder if there isn't more of the animal in us as humans. Once we're stripped down bare, both physically and emotionally, what else is there but instinct? I mean, no wonder sex is such a horrifyingly powerful tool for abusers! A person can talk big and posture all they like, but when it comes down to brass tacks (or silk sheets), maybe instinct is what truly drives us. When we're naked, maybe we're all just members of a wolf pack trying to figure out what the pecking order is. Or even predator/prey in the unhealthier aspects.

Or maybe I just think too much about sex :P

Either way, it's been interesting to go back in time and look at my past partners in a new light :P

On Fandom

I just watched the Bronies documentary on Netflix...and I *may* have gotten a little emotional.

I'm not a Brony (or Pegasister, or whatever), although I did watch the show and I did enjoy it...but the feelings of acceptance and community that a devoted fandom provides is the same across the different realms or things nerdy.

Embracing my own fandom and letting it show through cosplay (and now nerdlesque) and going to conventions is what pulled me out of depression and into an place of happiness and serenity that I haven't felt since high school drama club. When I was little, I was unpopular. I hid myself away in books and tried desperately to be normal, which just made me miserable. When I hit high school and joined drama, I was part of a community where I could be myself, even if only for a couple afternoons a week. My castmates were my friends, and we could all be weird and wonderful together.

But as I got older, I felt pressured more and more to be "normal" again. You know, like a grown up should be.

I'm starting to see a trend: Leah trying to be "normal" = Leah feels sad and lonesome.

Trying to date just made me feel worse, because there was even MORE pressure to be "normal" because boys I was convinced that boys don't like weird girls.

Then I briefly dated a fellow nerd, and it was pretty much the best thing ever.

And now, I'm a proud Browncoat, Whovian, Gater, and Disney Princess with passable knowledge of tons of other fandoms throughout sci-fi, fantasy, and anime. And even if I'm not a particularly social person, I know that a couple times per year, I can spend a weekend with people who understand me and who get my nerdy jokes and references. I may panic at the idea of a simple party among peers, but wild horses couldn't drag me away from Ottawa Comiccon.

If you have the chance to check out "Bronies: The Extremely Unexpected Adult Fans of My Little Pony" on Netflix, please do! It's great insight, not only into the world of Brony culture, but I think that it mirrors adult fandoms in general. It's a really amazing phenomenon that I'm so grateful has changed my own life.