Note to self: stop crying,
I know you've been very lonesome for the last little while. But crying won't help.
Tuesday, December 30, 2008
Sunday, December 28, 2008
My Acre
I just looked through an old notebook of mine and found a little piece called "My Acre". I can't remember why I wrote this, it was either a writing exercise, or a psychological one. Either way, I'll let it speak for itself.
My Acre
By Leah Chisholm
My acre starts with a long winding dirt path that runs from the gate to the cottage in the far corner of the acre.
The cottage is made of stone and has a main floor, a basement and a small attic. In the attic is a tiny room with a window that looks over the acre. It has a double-sized bed with down pillows, a down comforter, and a brightly-coloured hand-made quilt. Also in the room is a large wardrobe with a full-length mirror, a chest of drawers, a coat stand, and a large wooden chest at the foot of the bed. The window had plain white curtains with tie-backs and a cushioned window-seat.
The kitchen of the cottage has an enormous spice-rack and herbs drying from the rafters. It was lots of room for many people.
The living room is the biggest room of all. It has a wood-burning fireplace, colourful plush carpets, and squashy armchairs and couches. The walls are filled with books and where there are no books, you can see the stone walls. In one corner is a guitar and a cupboard with several musical instruments.
During the day, the house is sunny and bright and welcoming. At night, it is warm and cozy, lighted by firelight.
From the living room, a door leads outside. To the left is a small vegetable garden and a handful of apple trees. Just enough apple trees to be able to pollenate and bear fruit. To the right of the house is a small garden with a trellis arch, but no fence. This garden is wild-looking with minimal pruning or gardening and little-to-no space between the different flowers and shrubs. The garden has a path made of smooth pebbbles and old-fashioned benches scattered here and there. It also has a sundail on a pedestal. Almost everything is covered with ivy.
In another corner of my acre is a HUGE oak tree with lots of climbable branches for when one feels adventurous and a swing hanging from a low brance for when one is not. In front of the oak tree, between the tree and the dirt path to the cottage is a small lake/pond with ducks, a swan or two and plenty of frogs. There are cattails and reeds growing along the sides of most of the pond, but a few sandy, reed-less places for wading and swimming.
In the last corner of the acre, opposite the path from the lake, is nothing but open field with long grass, wildflowers,butterflies, grasshoppers, crickets, and various small animals to be spotted, like rabbits, moles, fieldmice, etc.
The fence that surrounds my acre is a low stone wall, much of the wall is bordered with gorse bushes with peaches-and-honey blossoms and thorns to keep out unwanted intruders.
No matter how many vsitors are in my acre, there is always a place where I can be alone if I need to be: in my bedroom, the orchard, the garden, the oak tree, the field.
The perfect day in my acre would involve waking up in the bedroom next to my best beloved with the sun shining and the gorse blossoms sweet smell pouring through the open windows. We would have all the time in the world to lie in bed, make love, and drink in the morning.
When we were good and ready, we would head to the kitchen to bake some bread, which we would eat with fresh apples, cheese and milk. We would spend the afternoon gardening or fishing or some other idle pasttime.
In the evening, all of our dearest friends (and some new ones as well) would gather in our cottage for food, music, dancing, and generally good times, that would, of course, spill out into the garden. After all the guests leave, my beloved and I would sit out in the garden on the warm summer night to watch the full moon and stars and hear the crickets chirping and smell the night-blooming wildflowers from the garden and field.
I also found a sweet little list that I wrote for my boyfriend (now ex) just before I left for Korea:
Things I'll Miss About You
-smoking just a little of your flavoured cigars
-our good-natured bickering in the kitchen
-the five million pillows on your bed
-watching you snuggle with Pandora (my cat)
-your manly stubble
It's amazing what you find when you don't really use a notebook for almost a year!
My Acre
By Leah Chisholm
My acre starts with a long winding dirt path that runs from the gate to the cottage in the far corner of the acre.
The cottage is made of stone and has a main floor, a basement and a small attic. In the attic is a tiny room with a window that looks over the acre. It has a double-sized bed with down pillows, a down comforter, and a brightly-coloured hand-made quilt. Also in the room is a large wardrobe with a full-length mirror, a chest of drawers, a coat stand, and a large wooden chest at the foot of the bed. The window had plain white curtains with tie-backs and a cushioned window-seat.
The kitchen of the cottage has an enormous spice-rack and herbs drying from the rafters. It was lots of room for many people.
The living room is the biggest room of all. It has a wood-burning fireplace, colourful plush carpets, and squashy armchairs and couches. The walls are filled with books and where there are no books, you can see the stone walls. In one corner is a guitar and a cupboard with several musical instruments.
During the day, the house is sunny and bright and welcoming. At night, it is warm and cozy, lighted by firelight.
From the living room, a door leads outside. To the left is a small vegetable garden and a handful of apple trees. Just enough apple trees to be able to pollenate and bear fruit. To the right of the house is a small garden with a trellis arch, but no fence. This garden is wild-looking with minimal pruning or gardening and little-to-no space between the different flowers and shrubs. The garden has a path made of smooth pebbbles and old-fashioned benches scattered here and there. It also has a sundail on a pedestal. Almost everything is covered with ivy.
In another corner of my acre is a HUGE oak tree with lots of climbable branches for when one feels adventurous and a swing hanging from a low brance for when one is not. In front of the oak tree, between the tree and the dirt path to the cottage is a small lake/pond with ducks, a swan or two and plenty of frogs. There are cattails and reeds growing along the sides of most of the pond, but a few sandy, reed-less places for wading and swimming.
In the last corner of the acre, opposite the path from the lake, is nothing but open field with long grass, wildflowers,butterflies, grasshoppers, crickets, and various small animals to be spotted, like rabbits, moles, fieldmice, etc.
The fence that surrounds my acre is a low stone wall, much of the wall is bordered with gorse bushes with peaches-and-honey blossoms and thorns to keep out unwanted intruders.
No matter how many vsitors are in my acre, there is always a place where I can be alone if I need to be: in my bedroom, the orchard, the garden, the oak tree, the field.
The perfect day in my acre would involve waking up in the bedroom next to my best beloved with the sun shining and the gorse blossoms sweet smell pouring through the open windows. We would have all the time in the world to lie in bed, make love, and drink in the morning.
When we were good and ready, we would head to the kitchen to bake some bread, which we would eat with fresh apples, cheese and milk. We would spend the afternoon gardening or fishing or some other idle pasttime.
In the evening, all of our dearest friends (and some new ones as well) would gather in our cottage for food, music, dancing, and generally good times, that would, of course, spill out into the garden. After all the guests leave, my beloved and I would sit out in the garden on the warm summer night to watch the full moon and stars and hear the crickets chirping and smell the night-blooming wildflowers from the garden and field.
I also found a sweet little list that I wrote for my boyfriend (now ex) just before I left for Korea:
Things I'll Miss About You
-smoking just a little of your flavoured cigars
-our good-natured bickering in the kitchen
-the five million pillows on your bed
-watching you snuggle with Pandora (my cat)
-your manly stubble
It's amazing what you find when you don't really use a notebook for almost a year!
Sunday, December 14, 2008
Second Thoughts
I'm having second thoughts about staying here in Korea for another year.
I've been thinking about it a lot lately. My general conclusion is that my reasons for staying are entirely the wrong ones: people and money.
The money issue is pretty simple. Staying another year would allow me to save more money to travel and/or pay off my student loan. But really, money isn't all that important to me, and it shouldn't be a reason to stay. I can make money in plenty of places other than here. Potentially places that would treat their employees better, truth be told...
The people issue is a little more complicated. There are two main groups of people that I really care about here: my co-workers and the people at the Temple.
The folks at the Temple care about me. I managed to find love in a place I never expected. They love that I'm a foreigner and yet willing to embrace their faith and culture. They've been so wonderful and warm and helpful in so many ways. At the Temple, I really feel like I'm a part of a community, despite my obvious lack of Korean. For the last month, they've been asking frequently about whether or not I'm renewing my contract. They really hope I can stay and continue attending. That really makes me feel loved.
It's rather the opposite story with my co-workers. Working with the same small group of people everyday, I've grown to really care about them. They're kind of like a surrogate family. As tacky as it sounds, I was looking forward to having friends close by so I would have people to hang out with. Unfortunately, I've recently come to that harsh truth of the workplace: it's unrealistic to assume that just because you work in close proximity to someone, that you'll be friends. I was so blinded by my affection for them that I just didn't see that, while I'm sure they like me, I'm just their co-worker, nothing more.
So that takes care of one of the reasons I had to stay.
As for the other, It would really suck to leave the Temple, but I think that I've just about reached the apex of my learning there. There's really not much more I can do without knowing Korean. Maybe that was the purpose of my going there, to plant the seeds of Buddhism. Now I need to find a place I can keep studying in my own language. I'm sure they'll understand.
So where does that leave me? With nothing keeping me in Korea any longer than the end of February.
I've spent the last 10 months here making a home, and it will be hard to leave it. But as Sine said to me last night, I have the ability to make my home wherever I go, so perhaps it's time for me to make a new home.
I've been thinking about it a lot lately. My general conclusion is that my reasons for staying are entirely the wrong ones: people and money.
The money issue is pretty simple. Staying another year would allow me to save more money to travel and/or pay off my student loan. But really, money isn't all that important to me, and it shouldn't be a reason to stay. I can make money in plenty of places other than here. Potentially places that would treat their employees better, truth be told...
The people issue is a little more complicated. There are two main groups of people that I really care about here: my co-workers and the people at the Temple.
The folks at the Temple care about me. I managed to find love in a place I never expected. They love that I'm a foreigner and yet willing to embrace their faith and culture. They've been so wonderful and warm and helpful in so many ways. At the Temple, I really feel like I'm a part of a community, despite my obvious lack of Korean. For the last month, they've been asking frequently about whether or not I'm renewing my contract. They really hope I can stay and continue attending. That really makes me feel loved.
It's rather the opposite story with my co-workers. Working with the same small group of people everyday, I've grown to really care about them. They're kind of like a surrogate family. As tacky as it sounds, I was looking forward to having friends close by so I would have people to hang out with. Unfortunately, I've recently come to that harsh truth of the workplace: it's unrealistic to assume that just because you work in close proximity to someone, that you'll be friends. I was so blinded by my affection for them that I just didn't see that, while I'm sure they like me, I'm just their co-worker, nothing more.
So that takes care of one of the reasons I had to stay.
As for the other, It would really suck to leave the Temple, but I think that I've just about reached the apex of my learning there. There's really not much more I can do without knowing Korean. Maybe that was the purpose of my going there, to plant the seeds of Buddhism. Now I need to find a place I can keep studying in my own language. I'm sure they'll understand.
So where does that leave me? With nothing keeping me in Korea any longer than the end of February.
I've spent the last 10 months here making a home, and it will be hard to leave it. But as Sine said to me last night, I have the ability to make my home wherever I go, so perhaps it's time for me to make a new home.
Monday, December 8, 2008
Sunday, December 7, 2008
Okay, so MAYBE I'll use this blog a bit...
I realised that since this blog is brand new and NOT hooked up to my LiveJournal or Facebook and nobody knows it exists...Maybe I should actually use it for some of my more candid thoughts. Besides, the three people who would figure out it exists (the people whose blogs I follow) are, through distance or personality (or both), really not a threat to my secrecy.
So here's my first admission:
I need to be kissed.
I don't need a boyfriend, or sex, or anything like that. I just need a kiss.
I realised this as I glanced up at the misteltoe I have hanging in my apartment as part of the Christmas decor. I wondered why I put it up if there's nobody even remotely capable of kissing me at the present, let alone one who would be in my apartment over the Christmas holidays.
So why did I do it? I'm slightly mystified. Is it deep-seeded hope that I'll meet someone over the holidays? Is it tradition? Whatever the reason, I look up at it and all I can think is "I want someone to kiss me."
Here is my second admission: vulnerability.
I am a mature, intelligent and independant woman. Why am I so afraid of people knowing who I am? I mean, anyone who knows me will know that I would give my life story in an instant, plus a lesson in just about everything I know anything about. But I'm afraid to really look into people's eyes when I talk to them. I realised why.
When I was starting to see my last boyfriend, I would never in a million years admit that I sorta had a thing for him before we started, I mean, we started as well, fuck-buddies, for a lack of a better word. No strings, no attachments, nothing. But one night, when we were lying in bed, I caught myself not looking into his eyes when he spoke to me, so I resolved to stop. I looked right at him, right into his eyes. He paused and said "Leah, you're falling in love with me, aren't you?"
It was probably mostly vanity that made him say that, but nevertheless, I was caught red-handed. The emotion that I had resolved not to let show was clearly evident in my eyes.
And that's my problem: I love too easily.
Whether the relationship is friendly, platonic or romantic, I tend to just care a lot. But sometimes, that makes me feel so vulnerable. Most times I don't really try to hide it, I generally trust people. But for those times when I need to, it seems that I can't. I'm just too transparent.
And that leads me to a third insecurity: my own attractiveness.
I'm not talking about looks, because I think that at very least, I'm a fairly handsome girl. But I'm talking about attracting with my personality. A great friend once told me that in order to attract a man, a girl has to be a bit mysterious. But that's a little impossible when a person can see right through you from the moment your eyes meet.
Well...I'm glad I got that off my chest.
So here's my first admission:
I need to be kissed.
I don't need a boyfriend, or sex, or anything like that. I just need a kiss.
I realised this as I glanced up at the misteltoe I have hanging in my apartment as part of the Christmas decor. I wondered why I put it up if there's nobody even remotely capable of kissing me at the present, let alone one who would be in my apartment over the Christmas holidays.
So why did I do it? I'm slightly mystified. Is it deep-seeded hope that I'll meet someone over the holidays? Is it tradition? Whatever the reason, I look up at it and all I can think is "I want someone to kiss me."
Here is my second admission: vulnerability.
I am a mature, intelligent and independant woman. Why am I so afraid of people knowing who I am? I mean, anyone who knows me will know that I would give my life story in an instant, plus a lesson in just about everything I know anything about. But I'm afraid to really look into people's eyes when I talk to them. I realised why.
When I was starting to see my last boyfriend, I would never in a million years admit that I sorta had a thing for him before we started, I mean, we started as well, fuck-buddies, for a lack of a better word. No strings, no attachments, nothing. But one night, when we were lying in bed, I caught myself not looking into his eyes when he spoke to me, so I resolved to stop. I looked right at him, right into his eyes. He paused and said "Leah, you're falling in love with me, aren't you?"
It was probably mostly vanity that made him say that, but nevertheless, I was caught red-handed. The emotion that I had resolved not to let show was clearly evident in my eyes.
And that's my problem: I love too easily.
Whether the relationship is friendly, platonic or romantic, I tend to just care a lot. But sometimes, that makes me feel so vulnerable. Most times I don't really try to hide it, I generally trust people. But for those times when I need to, it seems that I can't. I'm just too transparent.
And that leads me to a third insecurity: my own attractiveness.
I'm not talking about looks, because I think that at very least, I'm a fairly handsome girl. But I'm talking about attracting with my personality. A great friend once told me that in order to attract a man, a girl has to be a bit mysterious. But that's a little impossible when a person can see right through you from the moment your eyes meet.
Well...I'm glad I got that off my chest.
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