Second Thoughts

I'm having second thoughts about staying here in Korea for another year.

I've been thinking about it a lot lately. My general conclusion is that my reasons for staying are entirely the wrong ones: people and money.

The money issue is pretty simple. Staying another year would allow me to save more money to travel and/or pay off my student loan. But really, money isn't all that important to me, and it shouldn't be a reason to stay. I can make money in plenty of places other than here. Potentially places that would treat their employees better, truth be told...

The people issue is a little more complicated. There are two main groups of people that I really care about here: my co-workers and the people at the Temple.

The folks at the Temple care about me. I managed to find love in a place I never expected. They love that I'm a foreigner and yet willing to embrace their faith and culture. They've been so wonderful and warm and helpful in so many ways. At the Temple, I really feel like I'm a part of a community, despite my obvious lack of Korean. For the last month, they've been asking frequently about whether or not I'm renewing my contract. They really hope I can stay and continue attending. That really makes me feel loved.

It's rather the opposite story with my co-workers. Working with the same small group of people everyday, I've grown to really care about them. They're kind of like a surrogate family. As tacky as it sounds, I was looking forward to having friends close by so I would have people to hang out with. Unfortunately, I've recently come to that harsh truth of the workplace: it's unrealistic to assume that just because you work in close proximity to someone, that you'll be friends. I was so blinded by my affection for them that I just didn't see that, while I'm sure they like me, I'm just their co-worker, nothing more.

So that takes care of one of the reasons I had to stay.

As for the other, It would really suck to leave the Temple, but I think that I've just about reached the apex of my learning there. There's really not much more I can do without knowing Korean. Maybe that was the purpose of my going there, to plant the seeds of Buddhism. Now I need to find a place I can keep studying in my own language. I'm sure they'll understand.

So where does that leave me? With nothing keeping me in Korea any longer than the end of February.

I've spent the last 10 months here making a home, and it will be hard to leave it. But as Sine said to me last night, I have the ability to make my home wherever I go, so perhaps it's time for me to make a new home.