Okay, so MAYBE I'll use this blog a bit...

I realised that since this blog is brand new and NOT hooked up to my LiveJournal or Facebook and nobody knows it exists...Maybe I should actually use it for some of my more candid thoughts. Besides, the three people who would figure out it exists (the people whose blogs I follow) are, through distance or personality (or both), really not a threat to my secrecy.

So here's my first admission:

I need to be kissed.

I don't need a boyfriend, or sex, or anything like that. I just need a kiss.

I realised this as I glanced up at the misteltoe I have hanging in my apartment as part of the Christmas decor. I wondered why I put it up if there's nobody even remotely capable of kissing me at the present, let alone one who would be in my apartment over the Christmas holidays.

So why did I do it? I'm slightly mystified. Is it deep-seeded hope that I'll meet someone over the holidays? Is it tradition? Whatever the reason, I look up at it and all I can think is "I want someone to kiss me."

Here is my second admission: vulnerability.

I am a mature, intelligent and independant woman. Why am I so afraid of people knowing who I am? I mean, anyone who knows me will know that I would give my life story in an instant, plus a lesson in just about everything I know anything about. But I'm afraid to really look into people's eyes when I talk to them. I realised why.

When I was starting to see my last boyfriend, I would never in a million years admit that I sorta had a thing for him before we started, I mean, we started as well, fuck-buddies, for a lack of a better word. No strings, no attachments, nothing. But one night, when we were lying in bed, I caught myself not looking into his eyes when he spoke to me, so I resolved to stop. I looked right at him, right into his eyes. He paused and said "Leah, you're falling in love with me, aren't you?"

It was probably mostly vanity that made him say that, but nevertheless, I was caught red-handed. The emotion that I had resolved not to let show was clearly evident in my eyes.

And that's my problem: I love too easily.

Whether the relationship is friendly, platonic or romantic, I tend to just care a lot. But sometimes, that makes me feel so vulnerable. Most times I don't really try to hide it, I generally trust people. But for those times when I need to, it seems that I can't. I'm just too transparent.

And that leads me to a third insecurity: my own attractiveness.

I'm not talking about looks, because I think that at very least, I'm a fairly handsome girl. But I'm talking about attracting with my personality. A great friend once told me that in order to attract a man, a girl has to be a bit mysterious. But that's a little impossible when a person can see right through you from the moment your eyes meet.

Well...I'm glad I got that off my chest.