On Changing My Perspective

It's been awhile since I last posted/ranted on this blog. Mostly because things have been busy/awesome and I haven't had the time to be whiny.

Between Montreal Comiccon, PopExpo, Christmas, Browncoats Burlesque, work, and people being pregnant all around me, I've had my hands full!

Now, I have a short period of (relative) calm before the hurricane starts up again, and while I'm feeling good, there a small amount of dissonance in my life.

Basically, I've been doing all sorts of awesome things (see above) that make me seem like a pretty darned cool person on paper, but I'm still single.

I don't mind being single, of course. I enjoy my own company, and I have lots of hobbies to keep me busy, but the fact remains that I like being in a relationship. I like having someone special to be with and do nice things for. I mean, I have friends, and I like to be with them and do nice things for them, too. But having a significant other makes it that much more.

Someone of you might be asking: "But Leah! Weren't you JUST in a relationship?" And to them, I would say this: Well, sort of. It was more of a failed experiment in relationship-having. It was brief, fun, and a little bit surreal. Only a few blissful weeks, followed by 2 months of not knowing exactly where I stood in the scheme of things. I'm still not exactly sure of what happened, but I have no hard feelings or regrets, and I would hope he feels the same. So once again I'm left with my heart just a little more broken than it was before. Or perhaps a lot more broken...

Either way, I'm single again.

It makes me just want to scream out "WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME??!?!?!" I want to, but I'm not going to. I know that really, there's nothing wrong with me. Nothing more than your average late-twenty-something, anyhow. By this age, we all have little things wrong with us. Little things influenced by bad choices, bad habits, and bad experiences. But I'm no better or worse off than most.

I could go into all the reasons why I'm alone. But at this point, I don't see the usefulness of doing so. For the first time in years, I'm feeling whole and healthy. I'm simply not depressed enough to sit here, wallowing in self-pity, wondering why the boys don't like me. And yet, I have a nagging voice in the back of my mind telling me that I'm really, really cool, but not cool enough to attract the opposite sex. This voice isn't a sad, helpless one. It's a confused and curious one. It's almost as if the emotional part of my brain is too busy feeling good about itself to bother with this matter, and it's the logical part of my brain that's the one fretting:

"Leah, according to my calculations, you're the ideal candidate for a relationship. You have a variety of interesting skills and hobbies. You're a patient and compassionate friend. You're passionate and lively lover. You have a stable life with a good job, and well-adjusted (if slightly weird) pets. You're smart, though a little naive, but people usually find that charming, really. And while you may be pushing 30, you knocked the socks off your audience at GeeKISSexy last week! Seriously, did I miss something? Why are you still single? It just don't make sense..."

All things considered, though, I'm glad that this sudden logical lonesome-ness isn't really having an effect on my general well-being. I like feeling good. I've been eating better, meditating every day, reading more, getting more done at work, and getting out of the house from time to time. Besides, I have things to look forward to! Things like Ottawa Comiccon (new costume!), and Browncoats Burlesque's next show (new routines!) and several babies being born this year (more knitting!). So even though the year started with heartbreak, I'm pretty sure that this is going to be a pretty epic year all around.

And if I manage to find a special someone...well, bonus!