On Negative Emotions

As I said in a previous post, I haven't been accustomed to feeling in the last few years. My overly emotional self was restrained by my new-found sensibility. And I'm talking purely of negative emotions here, such as fear, anger, resentment, sadness, and depression (those who know me know that I'm not shy about showing how happy or excited I am, ha ha ha!)

Last night, I had a dream where I was really really angry. Not for any particular reason. I was angry, irritable and cranky and I didn't care who knew it or who it affected. The best part was that I recognized why I was pissy. I had an excuse. Which was PMS. And I felt like suddenly, I had a viable outlet for my bitter feelings.

And it actually felt good. In the dream I was aware of the fact that I had an excuse for venting negative feelings, so I did. I was as nasty and unpleasant as I wanted to be. Not in a mean-spirited kind of way, just in a "I'm in a bad mood so don't mess with me" kind of way.

When I woke up, I didn't feel angry, but I felt refreshed. It's as if that outpouring of pissiness from the dream refreshed me.

I'm wondering if my subconscious is trying to tell me something...Something to the tune of, it's okay to have negative feelings once in a while. It's okay to feel angry, or resentful or depressed if the situation calls for it. Just as long as you don't dwell on those feelings.

I've always been afraid of showing negative feelings, as if being anything but my usual, perky, bright-eyed and bushy-tailed self made me less of a good person. As if by being angry or upset, the terrorist had won.

I'm wondering now if I shouldn't make an effort to release my negative feelings more often (in a healthy, constructive way of course) instead of bottling them up. I guess I've always felt like if people know I have/show negative emotions, they won't like me, so if I'm more or less always happy, they will like me more.

Now that I say (write?) it out loud, it sounds pretty silly. Of COURSE my friends will still love me if I have the occasional low point. That's what friends are for, aren't they? They're meant to be there to support you if you are sad or upset or angry.

I guess I just never saw myself as worth supporting. I'm the supportER, the one who helps others with their negative emotions. I have to be strong for everyone else. I must not show weakness!

Again, that sounds silly once I say (...or write?) it out loud. So the next step in my healing process: recognize and feel negative emotions before logicking them away.