I grew up with very little access to my extended family (the closest being two hours away and we saw them once to twice per year) and rest were in Nova Scotia. I got sporadic visits from them scattered throughout my childhood, but nothing that was enough to form a real bond. Another issue was that my Mum is the oldest of her siblings, and I'm the oldest of her kids, so most of my cousins (save for one or two) on her side were too young for me to really have any fun with. My Dad on the other hand, is the youngest sibling by ten years, so when I was growing up, all my cousins on his side were already adults.
On top of that, both parents had full-time jobs and social lives, leaving our family bonding time to supper (it was the rule that we all eat supper at the table together) and the occasional family outing. Really, we didn't spend THAT much time all together. It was usually either the kids and Dad, or the kids and Mum.
And on top of THAT, my sisters and I did NOT get along. Ever. Actually, it's not that we didn't get along, we just fought constantly, especially me and my middle sister. I rarely played with my littlest sister, because she was 5 years younger and just not worth my time (lol).
I have distinct memories of taking piano lessons with my middle sister and we fought so much that my dad pulled us both from the class and announced that we were never allowed to take piano lessons again. Even when I begged him to let me go back alone (my sister wasn't interested in going back), he still refused. I've also been told by a friend of mine whose mom was a Girl Guide leader, that my dad told her that even though my sister and I were in the same troupe, she was to NEVER EVER put us in the same group/team/pack/etc.
If you add to that the fact that I was bullied and ostracized by my peers, is it any wonder that I grew into the hermit I am today? I just wasn't instilled with the family values that a lot of kids in my generation have (I say my generation because I think the current generation is losing family values thanks to technology, but that's another story completely). I've always felt that I'm the only one I can count on, so why expose myself to the indifference of others.
So all my life, I've felt alone and unsupported by my family. That sounds dramatic, because of course my family loved me and did what they could. I just FELT alone and unsupported in general because I was mostly cut off from my extended family, not terribly close to my immediate family (except for my Daddy because he's always been there for me.), and I didn't have a supportive group of friends to act as a surrogate family.
As a result, family has never been a priority in my life. Sad, but true.
That, however, is starting to change. Suddenly, I'm not fighting with my sisters anymore. I have a slew of cousins that are old enough to hang out with and that are awesome. I also have a kick-ass bro-in-law (with a kick-ass family of his own) and three step sisters (and a step niece) and a loving step-mother. Also, thanks to some lucky genealogical study, I discovered long-lost family in England (third cousins, thrice removed, lol) who got to meet them over the summer and made me feel like one of their own.
Not only do I feel loved by my family, but I also feel that love for them. And it's genuine caring and affection, not just "they're my family, so I HAVE to love them". I really love them and want to help and support them so that they have happy fulfilling lives and feel that they are loved.
I guess the point of this post is that I'm seeing a change in myself. I'm feeling more confident and secure because I feel the love that's coming from my family around me and I'm sending out more love than ever to them as well. It's something I rarely experienced growing up and I'm so grateful that I'm experiencing it now.
So today, I'm feeling good. I really love my family and feel like they love me back. The little empty spaces in my heart are filling up and it feels wonderful.
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