I was SUPPOSED to spend the day cleaning my apartment. Instead, I made pancakes, went to the bank, watched Torchwood and ate junk food.
Not only that, but I spent money today when I didn't have to. It wasn't a serious amount, and it was for food, but it wasn't essential either. This is kind of serious as I'm now working a job where my pay is so crappy that more than half of what I make in the month goes to pay my rent. I'm just able able to pay my bills and eat, but I've fallen behind with my student loan payments since I lost my long-time job in August.
And I couldn't even get my arse off the couch to do my dishes and tidy my living space...which is free.
Sometimes I really wonder where I'm going in life. On the inside, I'm very content. I'm a generally happy, compassionate and tolerant person. But outwardly, everything seems a bit of a mess. I'm unhealthy and out of shape, lazy, continually broke, eternally single, in a job that pays peanuts, and I can't keep my apartment clean unless I have an excuse (such as guests).
But I have no real desire to change these rotten aspects of my life. Why? Because I'm content. I'm surviving. I have a roof over my head, clothes on my back and food on my plate, what more do I need? It's a proven fact that once basic needs are met, material things have little effect on one's happiness. Since I have the basics and AM happy, I fear that this inner security has led to outward complacency.
What am I doing wrong? Because clearly, there is something wrong with my values or virtues if I can't get my life in order. Now, don't get me wrong; I try. I have a job that I think is meaningful and where I'm in a position of respect (it just doesn't pay much), and I'm making an attempt to not be a hermit and get in shape by taking an affordable taekwon-do class. And the odd time, I will clean my apartment for the sake of cleaning it. But it's not enough. I dream big, but I'm not inspired to improve my day-to-day life.
I've tried various methods, especially with money matters, but the fact is that I chafe under strict lifestyle rules. Budgets and plans, diets and organizers, and countless numbers of good intentions and promises to myself have all been tried and failed miserably.
Is it worth it to upset my inner calm by sorting out my outer failures? Is it even possible?
1 comment:
Today I took the time to read through "Mighty Moms Money Blog" new post. There was a lot of great advice about goal setting that made me think. She said:
"Don't give up simply because you have set a few wrong goals. Learn from that experience. Once you understand yourself well enough to know why you were not motivated to achieve a goal, that insight helps you to set far more realistic and inspiring goals that deeply motivate you."
Stay in there. We learn so much abotu ourselves when we make mistakes, or make a different decision than we thought we would.
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