On Looking Back at Love

In a comforting sign that I'm getting back to normal, I spent the time I was in the shower this evening pondering love. Well, less pondering and more looking back at my own experience of it.

My musing began with an inner dialogue between myself and a fellow I used to have a thing for (one of many, hah!). In my mind he asked if now that I was over him (and had formulated good reasons why we'd make an awful couple after all), would I date him if the opportunity arose? And after I gave my thoughts on that, he asked "Did you love me?" And my inner answer was:

Of course not. I felt affection, yes. I was attracted, of course. But love? That's a completely different kettle of fish. But I have loved... At which point, he disappeared from my mind and I continued solo in an epic monologue. I wish I could repeat it, because it was truly Oscar-worthy, but I don't make a habit of immortalizing my inner monologues on paper. The gist of it, though, was that I've really only truly loved once in my life. I assume that I've always been open to it (except for the two years recovery period after that first love), but I refuse to use the term "love" unless I really and truly mean it.

I've had plenty of crushes, and one or two more-than-just-lovers, but I haven't really loved in, ohhh, about 5 years. Now, I'm talking here about deep, romantic, or "true" love; eros/agape, not philia/storge. Not the kind of compassionate love I would have for family and dear friends or the world at large.

And now, I've been three years single and over a year celibate. Has it been a recovery period like I had after my first love? Was I affected more than I realize by my last relationship, which ended rather badly? Have I truly been open to love? The last time I closed up, it took a dashing stranger, met by near-unbelievable chance, to open my heart up again. Am I waiting for another such windfall? Am I leaving too much of my love life up to fickle Fate?

Am I asking too many questions for one post?

Perhaps.

Either way, I've made no breakthroughs tonight. It's just something I was thinking about this evening.