On Depression

I think I may be depressed.

Not clinincal-I-need-meds-and/or-professional-help depression, just average I-just-have-to-pull-myself-together depression.

But it still sucks.

It seems at this particular moment that the universe is conspiring against me. The winter solstice is approaching, which means the days are short and getting shorter, meaning I get to work in the grey dim of the early morning and leave work in pitch black nighttime. As a result, I don't have the energy to do anything. Not even cook a proper meal or keep my apartment tidy.

I'm tired, I've lost my appetite, my energy to participate in activities that I love, my drive, even my perkiness is suffering. At every turn I feel like I'm about to cry and have to swallow a sob. Mostly at sweet, touching moments I see around me, or on TV. Sweet, touching moments that I feel like it's been forever since I experienced and won't be experiencing again in the foreseeable future. But I also break down when I think about the state of myself.

I feel bloated and fat all the time, and I'm indulging even more in little bad habits like chewing my cuticles and scratching at the occasional zit. And the fact that I've had no real appetite, nor energy to cook has me snacking on convenience foods, which make me feel even fatter and break out even more. Even my half-hearted attempts at getting dressed up and feeling pretty have failed to have the desired results.

To make things worse, I've been getting mild tension headaches for the last three days. Possible from the fact that I haven't been drinking coffee in as many days. But I assume that being behind in my paperwork at work and my lack of Christmas gift preparation have played their parts as well.

And that's just how I've been feeling. I've been plagued with rotten luck as well, not the least of which being a smashed phone that has left me phone-less for the last two weeks.

But probably the worse part of all this is that in my sorry state (and partly due to my lack of a phone), I haven't been seeing my friends and family. I feel like I'm neglecting the people who love me best. I tell myself that I should get in touch with someone and go out, but I feel so disgusting all the time that I don't want to leave the house.

There are other troubles as well, but this is plenty and I'm almost regretting this melodramatic whinging...I feel the need to vent, though. And I'm sorry.

I know that there's light at the end of the tunnel and that the days will get longer and my bad luck will pass, but I've been feeling hopeless and impossibly lonesome for several weeks now and I just can't seem to gather the effort needed to haul my sorry carcass out of this emotional mire.