On Journaling (Part 2)

Since yesterday's post, I've been thinking about why I've been keeping a diary all these years...And I've come to the conclusion that it's for two real reasons. The first being that I need a place to let out all the embarrassing thoughts I have, which is mostly about my romantic hijinx. The second is that I want my descendants to have some kind of account of my youth.

That being said, I don't even know if I'm going to have kids...I love kids, but the way things are going, it seems unlikely that I'm going to settle down in time to have any.

This might explain why I'm so excited for my sisters to have kids. Maybe deep down, I know that I need to live vicariously though them because it's the closest I'll get to a family of my own (my cat doesn't count)

But I digress.

A byproduct of keeping a diary is, of course, being able to look back on your life and see patterns emerging. Perhaps, you might see something that you didn't notice while living it, and now, with hindsight, you can learn from whatever it was. I've really been trying to learn from my past.In one sense, I have. I'm much more aware of who I am as a person, but at the same time, I can't seem to escape it, either.

It isn't all bad, though. Thanks to my diary, I've been able to retain some pretty epic memories of people and places that would have otherwise been forgotten. And my diary has it's share of pretty epic retrospection. I ended off my last diary with one such retrospection that I'd like to share, because I think this is what journaling is about:

"June 24, 2008 -

(...) I realized that while it's hard for me to see, I have a really exciting life! The people, the places...And when this came to my mind, I felt this amazing peace wash over me, and I was sublimely happy. And to think that my life is only about a quarter over, I can look forward to so much more in the next 60 or so years.

I'm in Korea for another 8 months, and it feels like forever, but why fret about it when it's so little time compared to the span of my life? So much has happened already...And I want to end this diary with adequate musings of the last 7 years [this diary spanned from 2001-2008].

When this diary was started, at Christmas of my senior year at high school, I was still a child, despite my serious relationship and miscarried pregnancy. And in a way, I'm still a child. I keep waiting for this feared adulthood my parents keep warning me about. I know 23 is not exactly old, but I see nothing of this dreaded adult life, so I can only assume that I haven't gotten there yet.

And yet, in the space of 7 years, I've graduated twice, traveled to to both ends of the Earth; loved, lost, loved again; made new friendships, rekindled old ones; seen my name in print; become sexually liberated; been so happy I could burst, and so proud that I glowed; shaken the hand of a great actor; met humblingly holy men and men who were so human it hurt; felt abandoned by my own mother, then 'adopted' by another; discovered my past, mastered my own future; learned that love comes in as many forms as there are stars in the sky...

And I've barely even started...

Even though I'm in the middle of an adventure, with the completion of this diary, I feel as if a chapter of my life is closing and another is about to be opened.

As always, your faithful writer, Leah Chisholm"

I think this is why I keep a diary. For moments like that. Moments when I can look back and feel good about the choices I've made and the lessons I've learned. It's funny how at 26, I can read back to when I was 23 and feel inspired, as if I could learn from my younger, more innocent and less jaded self. Perhaps it can even keep me from becoming too world weary in the end.