On Journaling and My Sad Romantic Past

In celebration of my daily journal, I went though my old diaries. And it occurred to me: doing a daily journal for this Stoic workshop is not a great stretch from what I've been doing for half my lifetime anyways, except that this one I have to write in every day, and for a purpose.

I currently have 7 journals. Three diaries (the third is half filled), and four dream journals (the fourth has just been started) - pictured here. The diaries range from December 25, 1997 to July 26, 2011 and the dream journals range from December 29, 2000 to September 11, 2011:

My dream journals ^

My diaries ^

After reading through my old diaries, I realized something quite interesting (and slightly worrisome): while I have grown and matured in many ways since I was 12, one thing has stayed exactly the same. I'm still completely unable to deal with my feelings about men. It's small wonder that I still write about it so often, because it's one of the few things that I've not been able to sort out despite years of introspection and self-improvement. The only thing that has changed about it as I've aged is my ability to express it slightly more eloquently on paper. For your amusement, here is a history of my romantic failures, copied word-for-word from my private diary:

N.B. Each post is a different guy unless otherwise stated -

Age 12:

"Jan 18, 1998 - I wonder if he has a crush on me. I wonder if any boy has a crush on me. If so, why hasn't anyone asked me out? Or asked me to dance? Oh, forsaken and lonely me! Oh well, I always have myself."

Age 13:

"July 24, 1999 -I will try to forget about _____. No songs or words from friends will be able to touch me, for he has been shut out of my heart. At least until I know he does not hate me...but as long as I think he does, I will not talk about him, write about him, relate songs to him, or think about him. Please help me through this."

"Sept 21, 1999 - Sometimes I wonder why I just stand around while _____ and _____ get all the guys. I don't think I'm flirty. Or I'm not flirty enough. Even though, I always get the nerdy or really ewwy guys, and they get all the nice, hot guys. Maybe I should work on my attitude, or my posture..or my EVERYTHING!!! Tomorrow I will ask ____ and _____ about it. Perhaps they can give me some advice. I think that _[same guy as July 24]__ has weaseled his way into my heart again. I'm not saying that I "like" his again. Just, he is so just adorable that I just can't push him completely out of my thoughts. I wonder if he can still sing...What am I bubbling about? I should stop this before I fill this entire book with his 'cuteness' Bye!"

[There's a bit of a gap here from when I was 15 and had 5-year relationship and didn't have to worry about men :P]

Age 21:

"May 28, 2006 - (...) Today in his blog, _[my ex]_ referred to [his new girlfriend] as his muse. He always called me his muse. It bothers me that he's saying the same things to her as he did to me. As if it doesn't really matter who the girl is, as long as she's with him. And here I thought I was someone special. Oh well. Hearing about ____ and ____ makes me wonder why I'm not attached yet. I'm over _____, but I just haven't been interested in dating. Well, I've decided to start trying a little harder. I'm eating better and getting exercise. And by the time I go to England, I'll be desirable again."

Age 22:

(Warning: this post has an excessive and unrealistic use of the word 'love'...I think I was experimenting with the word, ha ha ha!):

"Sept 16, 2007 - (...) When he said that, I realized that he must feel something for me, too. Also, that I have to stop being afraid of love. So I love him. I'm not sure what about him I love, because I know so little about him. I just know that there's a bond between us and I love him. How do I know I love him?Well, it just seems more meaningful than any of the crushes or one-night-stands I've have. Thinking of him doesn't give me nervous butterflies like it did with other crushes. I think of him and I feel happy and warm."

Age 23:

"Oct 10, 2008 - ____ and I both crushed on him. We used very different methods. She really kinda threw herself at him, and made a show of being moody when he was deep in conversation with me. I, on the other hand, managed to gain his trust and reach a nice level of comfort with him and prove myself an equal. (...) She won, plain and simple. This made me think very hard about the whole situation. And this is what I found: men are not attracted to women who are their equal. They want a woman who makes them feel (even if they're not) stronger, smarter and altogether superior to her. Men want their friends and colleagues to be their equals, not their lovers or girlfriends.This is a pattern that seems to repeat itself in my life all to often. (...) So here I am, pouring my little broken heart out to a piece of paper, and ____'s got a date with _____ on Monday. Regardless, I'm pleased to have a friend in ______, even if it's all I'll ever have."

Age 24:

"July 24, 2009 - (...) After the show, when his bus came, he hugged me, then gave me a kiss on the lips! I totally didn't expect it either! He's only kissed me on the cheek so far and even theough this kiss was really quick and friendly, more of a peck, he kissed me on the lips!!! I smiled all the way home...My goodness, I haven't been this giddy about a little kiss since ____. I can't wait to see him again!"

Aug 23, 2009 - I wish I had happier news about _[guy from July 24]_, but the fact is that he hasn't contacted me in a long time.I'd be , lying if I said I wasn't upset. I really like him I can't imagine what happened. Oh well, life goes on, though. Small heartbreaks don't kill a person and they certainly won't kill me. Still sucks, though. You know, I really have to learn to not get myself so excited about things like men. They're just so fickle...But then, I guess so am I for getting myself emotionally involved."

Age 25:

"June 3, 2010 - I've tried so hard to stop pining for _____. I've tried to tell myself that I'm not attracted to him; that he's completely uninterested. And yet, I end up at the same place every time. I can lie to myself all I want, but the fact is that I really like him. I know this because I feel the need to talk about it here. It's always the same story. Leah likes boy. Leah writes about the boy in her diary. Boy moves away (physically or mentally). First, it was _____, then ______, then _______, now ________ (with ______ in there, filling the gaps). I don't understand why I can't just like a normal guy like a normal girl does, and flirt like a normal girl does. Maybe then I'd have a boyfriend instead of mere scribbles on paper."

Age 26:

"May 16, 2011 - Ugh. Why can't I stop writing about the guys I like? You'd think I never grew up from who I was in Jr high *sigh* (...) One side of me wants to believe that he's interested, but the other side is convinced that this is a cruel joke the the universe is playing on me, where I've fallen for a man that has no interested in me. Again. Even, if in this case, all signs point to him being interested. Also, a part of me wonders if the universe is protecting me from harm. Perhaps all these men I've liked in the past few years have been entirely wrong for me and I'm being spared from having to date them before I figure it out...But then again, I need to date. I need the experience to know what to look for in men. Oh man, I don't know why I keep having thoughts like this, because really, my problem is that I think too much about this sort of thing. I need to stop overanalyzing. Maybe I spend too much time alone. I was talking to _____ about this a few days ago. I told her that I want a boyfriend because I have so much romantic love inside me that can't be expressed. It's just being bottled up until I find the right man. It's not that I don't like being alone, in fact, I quite enjoy it. It's that I need that cathartic release of emotion that only a significant other can provide. Well, the quest continues. And at very least, this thing with _____ is yet another adventure in the bittersweet saga that is my dating life."

So there you have it. I'm feeling a little exposed after posting this in such a public place. My diary is where I write things that I'm afraid to talk about or admit to others.

I'm discouraged by it all, really. So little has changed and all-in-all, nothing has improved in my romantic modus operandi despite the efforts I have put forth over the years. I've made such leaps and bounds in other aspects of my life, but this one has stayed the same...I'd even say it's gotten worse! I fear if I'm not careful, I'll become jaded and embittered.

I was going to write more about journaling, but I find that after this, my mind is hurting a bit. Perhaps I'll finish for my weekly review tomorrow...