I think I'm starting to forget what sex is like. It's been a year since I've been had any, or even been kissed. The reason this popped into my mind is because I've had a few dreams lately that involved having sex with women, which at first I thought was strange, as I'm straight as an arrow. But that got me thinking: maybe the sensory memory of sex is wearing away, so now, all I have is myself to fill the void. And since I know what my body does, it's not so much of a leap to imagine a woman's body in my bed. So when I'm dreaming about having sex with women, is that me having sex with myself?
On a slightly related note, I still dream of men, but just not having sex with them. I dream of having a boyfriend, and being kissed and cared for. Just not sex. And thinking about this, I wonder if it might have something to do with the fact that if I care about a guy, I'm not interested in the content of his trousers...Not until there's a possibility of taking the acquaintance/friendship to the next level. For me, it's because I respect him. Others say that I'm dooming myself before I even get started (or an incredulous "In what century did you learn your dating skills?!?!). *shrugs* Maybe I live too much in my own little world of idealism, where men and women build some kind of friendship, or at least respect before they jump in the sack.
Yes, it's been a dry year, but that was by choice. Lord knows there are willing men out there, and I've been propositioned numerous times. That has been bothering me. I wonder if my idealism is taking over and I'm not being reasonable. My mind says "Leah, you've had your fun having your little flings, but did it bring you happiness? No." It didn't at all. The only real happiness I ever got from sex was when it was with someone I truly and deeply cared about. The rest was just for the thrill of being naughty, and I'm really not the naughty type. So here I am, waiting for someone I care for to kiss me. But I have doubts. At my age, in today's culture, am I being silly in wanting to wait, now that I've had my share of one-night-stands? Am I being hypocritical? Or Puritanical? Am I denying myself harmless pleasure for the sake of some lofty idea of virtue? Am I wasting my youth by not enjoying it? Why do I care?
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So, this one time, when I was a kid, I really wanted a super soaker. Who didn't? But, they were expensive and required saving up my money. So, I waited. Then, a friend of mine had a toy truck in the playground. I didn't have a truck, I had little interest in one. Yet, seeing him playing with that truck, I'd be damned if that didn't look like the funnest thing ever. Trucks are cheaper than super soakers and soon I was rolling my truck through the playground as well. It took about a day for me to realize that toy trucks are lame. Clearly, they really did the trick for my friend (he had three), but I played with that sucker once and then it sat on a shelf. Soon after, I discovered G.I. Joe vehicles. They were like trucks, same price range, but they had missiles and shit on them! Trucks just build stuff, whoopty-shit, G.I. Joe vehicles saved the fucking planet every damn day!
I did eventually get my Super Soaker and I discovered that I really wasn't a big fan of getting sprayed with water, pretty much ever. (Even in pools, it's just not my thing.) However, even as an adult, I love action figures. They are, to my mind, the best kind of toy. So, why would I blow my money on Tonka trucks? I don't. It's just not my thing.
So are you suggesting I get a toy? I tried that once. It's just not my thing. ;P
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