On Cosplay Identities

Now that I've been cosplaying for a couple years, I'm starting to see a trend in my choice of costumes: Brienne of Tarth, Ronan Dex, Starbuck, Commander Shepard...

Elsa was a bit of an outlier, but more on that later, ha ha.

But first, let's go back a little further back

I started making costumes in Jr High. It started with Halloween: Dad said I was too old for him to buy me costumes, so I said "Fine! I'll make my own!" It started with ransacking my Mum's choir robes and old bridesmaids dresses, them moved on to Value Village runs....and as soon as I learned now to use a sewing machine in high school, Bouclair became my mecca.

I fell in love with historical costuming. I wanted to wear dresses with long skirts and corsets. Why? Because they made me feel pretty in a time when I didn't really feel pretty. Costuming filled a void in my life. it allowed me to feel glamorous and elegant for a brief time when I usually felt awkward and plain.

When I discovered cosplay a couple of years ago, I didn't really think about what I was choosing. I would just see a character I related to and then make that cosplay. All my cosplays are really an expression of myself, so when I wanted to channel the spirit of a character I admired, I had the chance to become them.


Elsa was the only cosplay I made purely to see if I could win the Ottawa Comiccon Masquerade. I chose it because I thought it would be popular and the judges would like it. Well, I was right, because I won best in show with it. But the funny thing is that I never felt completely at ease when I wore it. I'm already kind of a Disney princess in real life, so dressing as one didn't give me any satisfaction. BUT, it did give me the opportunity to learn that when I really apply myself, I can achieve great things. So there's that.

But what I really want to focus on is the overwhelming trend that I'm seeing in my choice of cosplay when left to my own devices. Because to me, cosplay isn't about winning awards or recognition (although I do try to make my costumes to high standards so that if I do compete, I can put up a good fight, ha ha ha!). To me, cosplay is about being able to channel a persona that I wish I was.

What do Brienne, Ronon, Starbuck and Shepard, have in common? It's pretty obvious. They're warriors. They're fearless. And in some key aspects my life, that's what I desperately wish I had.

Now, Commander Shepard is my very favourite cosplay. I wear her and it feels so natural, like I'm not wearing a cosplay, but just another version of myself. And I feel different when I'm in that N7 armour. For example, *I* wouldn't have the courage to tell a boy that I have feelings for him, but Shepard would have NO such troubles, now would she? Of course not! She saved the galaxy from extinction and romances whoever she wants and everybody loves her (except for a few batarians, maybe).

So for a couple hours at a convention, I can pretend that I'm not the awkward introverted girl who can barely talk to men in general, let alone to a guy she's attracted to, and instead become someone with courage and conviction, and who can kick ass if someone wrongs her. Not just that, but someone that others admire, rather than "that weird nerdy girl" that people point at and laugh.

My cosplays are so intimately linked to who I am now. I mean, being a part of a group cosplay is a different story. That's just for funsies. But when choosing my own solo cosplay, it's really about becoming someone I wish I could be, and hoping that some of that badassery will rub off on me.

And I love it when I see other cosplayers who have the same connection with their cosplays. Some people are incredibly talented and make impressive costumes and props, but they still look like people in costumes. And others, I wonder if they feel the same as I do, that their cosplays are an extension of themselves, because they look like they belong in their cosplays, like they *are* they characters, regardless of their actual craftsmanship.

Yes, my cosplay identities are a way to cope with my own little insecurities, but at the same time, they allow me moments of power that I carry with me long after I've left the con and put away my armour.