On "Capturing Your Moments"

Tonight's section explained how paying attention is a way to cultivate mindfulness. It's realizing that you're awake and knowing what you are doing.

This is definitely something that I have trouble with.

The section says lapses in awareness are frequently caused by an eddy of dissatisfaction with what we are feeling/experiencing. In my case, I avoid thinking about things that are troubling me. I distract myself so that I don't have to face the things that make me feel discomfort.

There are a lot of things in my like that I'm dissatisfied with. I'm not unhappy; just dissatisfied. And most of the time, I keep myself in an ignorant fog so that I don't have to deal.

For example, I can't save money to save my life, but if can't save money, I might as well spend it on something fun and nerdy that will distract me enough to make me forget how lousy I am at sticking to a budget. I put myself into a junk food coma almost every day when I get home from work, because it distracts me from the fact that I'm ashamed that I'm too lazy to cook for myself. I have a multitude of solo hobbies to distract me from the fact that my social anxiety keeps me from going out and enjoying time with the people I care about.

And most sadly of all, I wear costumes and put on stage personas to distract myself from the fact that, deep down, I don't think that the "real me" is worth people's time. After so much hurt and heartbreak, I've becomes so sensitive to the judgement of others that I can't deal with people without having some kind of facade to hide behind.

So many times I've tried to break this cycle of dissatisfaction/distraction, but I've always ended up failing because distraction is so much easier. And facing shame and disappointment in the self is hard. And it hurts. And why feel pain when I can just ignore the fact that the pain exists?

The exercise from this section said that a way to learn to pay attention is to stop and ask yourself "Am I awake?" "Where is my mind right now?"

Right now, my mind is above itself. It's observing itself. It sees the patterns of shame/avoidance that are scattered all over my life. This is my way of waking up. Writing is my meditation. It's a way to focus my thoughts and to empty my brain. Will that help? Maybe. Maybe not. But it's calming, and it forces me pay attention. So for now, I'll keep writing.