On Stopping

Today's section was called "Stopping" which is essentially what you do before becoming mindful. You can't just flow seamlessly from mindless to mindful. There has to be a moment where you just stop, switch everything off, then move forward with awareness.

For me, that would mean paying attention to what's happening to my mind and body rather than just avoiding it by distraction.

There were not passages in this section that stood out to me, but the basic theory did, because I experienced it today.

My mindfulness tasks that I set myself yesterday were to not play games on my phone in bed, and to eat one meal mindfully. Well, I managed the first one, but not the second. I'm not surprised, because mindless eating has been a big problem for me for years, and it's not a habit I'll change quickly. I make too many excuses for mindless eating.

I didn't really have a breakfast, just a coffee and muffin as I worked. And I didn't feel like sitting alone at my desk eating when I could socialize with my co-workers. So it had to be supper. I thought about it all afternoon. It was payday, so I was tempted to grab supper at the food court at Bayshore and bring it home. But upon reflection, I realised that if I was going to really take my time and think about what I was eating, fast food wasn't appealing. So I settled on some homemade stew in the freezer. But on the way home, my old habits kicked in and I stopped at Subway on the way home for a steak salad with southwest dressing. With fast-food in hand, I really didn't want to eat mindfully. So I scarfed down my enormous salad and 1000 calories worth of chocolates while watching the first half hour of Dr Phil.

I was WAY overfull, but it didn't matter, because I was distracting myself from the physical discomfort with TV.

And then I realized that I had to go out. I was almost out of dog food, and was planning on going tomorrow, but then I remembered that tomorrow is Good Friday and that the pet store would be closed. I had to tear myself away from my the things that were distracting me from my food coma. The minute I got up from the TV, I started feeling it. I felt bloated and slightly nauseated, and my insides were making unhappy noises. But I had no choice. I had to go to the pet store or else Fezzik would starve until Saturday.

So I popped a peppermint (good for digestion) and started getting ready. Every fibre of my being protested, but I had to go.

While on the bus, shifting uncomfortably to accommodate my food baby, my instinct was to try to distract myself. To plug in some music and read. But seeing as I'm trying to be mindful, I decided to stop and try to be in the now. It sucked, because I felt shitty, but I survived. And more importantly, I learned a lesson: binge eating + no distractions = unhappy body.

Among the things I learned from Jigwang Sunim was that Buddhism is very logical. It is based on a the principle of cause/effect or action/consequence: if you do this negative thing, it will have negative consequences If you do this positive thing, it will have positive consequences. It's almost absurdly simple, but it's applicable to more or less every facet of our behaviour.

So Leah needs to get back to basics when it comes to mindfulness. Mindfulness allows her to be aware of the consequences of her actions, rather than ignoring them (consciously or not). Leah has to learn to STOP and pay attention. Hopefully, it will allow her to understand that there's a reason why things aren't working out in her life.

Last night's dream: There was an alien invasion, and the world leaders were too busy squabbling amongst themselves to do anything helpful, so I decided to help myself. There were giant bombs going off in the distance, so I packed a survival kit which included easily repurposed clothing, some non-perishables, matches, sewing kit, photos of my family, first aid kit, sleeping bag and tent. And during the packing, I pulled on a pair of sensible white cotton underwear, which I'm pretty sure were a metaphor for me putting on my "big girl panties."

Mindfulness tasks for tomorrow: Since I have a day off, there is no excuse to not try, once more, to have one mindfully-eaten meal. I'll also meditate for 5 minutes at some point during the day.