A Very Long Emotional Ramble

Over the past week or so, in a desperate attempt to fix all the broken parts of my heart and mind, I've turned to meditation.

Not the kind I learned at the Buddhist temples in Korea, where you sit quietly and ponder emptiness (although there is much good in it), but guided meditation, where you let go of what's on your mind and follow a voice that leads you through breathing and imagery exercises.

I've never really done them before, dismissing them as hokey. However, I've come to a point in my life where my issues starting to have a serious effect on my mental and physical health. And it all started with a doctor's visit.

But I guess I ought to start with the back story:

A couple of months ago, I was told by my doctor that my cholesterol was getting high. Not dangerously so, and not to the point where I needed to be on medication, but high enough that I have to watch out before it gets out of control. And, of course, her first suggestion was that I lose weight. Now, that's easier said than done, as I've been a good 80-100lbs overweight for many years, but with my health in jeopardy, I was willing to explore my options.

The biggest issue is my eating habits. I've come to the point where I accept that I am a binge eater. As in DSM-IV, confirmed by my psychologist, I can't even fucking read about it without bursting into tears binge eating. I can't remember when I didn't binge eat, really. This leads to too much eating, and more importantly, too much eating of bad-for-me foods.

So my first step was to seek the counsel of a nutritionist though the EAP (employee assistance program). She gave me some good pointers, but really wasn't equipped to deal with "emotional eating", so I spoke to a psychological counselor (also though the EAP) who informed me that I was still depressed and when our set number of sessions are up, I should get back in contact with my regular psychologist (who I haven't seen since just after New Years). Great.

So I decided to try something new. To supplement the professional help, I signed up for a few online "self-help" courses on DailyOM which include guided meditation. "Overcome Emotional Eating" and "Say Goodbye to Anxiety". Just for funsies.

So now, we come to the point I wanted to make about meditation. When doing one of the guided meditation exercises, I was a little surprised at what I saw. The exercise asked me to visualize my "Heart Centre" as a comfortable room that I felt safe in. So I did. I was then encouraged to invite an "ally" into the room. Someone who made me feel safe and loved, real or fictional, physical or spiritual. It didn't matter as long at they represented safety, love and support. This is where I surprised myself. I wasn't able to think of a single entity, but of several. And an odd company they were: my dog, Avalokiteśvara, a dear friend of mine (whom I feel is one of the few who truly understands my current struggles), and the Mother Goddess.

The most interesting part is that throughout my guided meditations, I find that the Mother Goddess pops up more often to me. Usually as a protective force. The strange thing is that I don't really subscribe to any Pagan religions, or any religion for that matter. But for some reason, from my spiritual wanderings of the past, She has stuck with me.

It seems I can't really trust God to really stand with me in my times of trouble, though He did throughout my childhood. He was too lofty, too majestic, too grand and powerful to bother with little old me. The Mother, though, seems to be more earthly and ready to care for Her children. Maybe because it's easier to imagine Her infused into earthly things: the oceans and trees and everyday things. God sits on his throne in Heaven, but The Mother walks among Her creations.

And so, with Avalokiteśvara for a teacher, my friend for support, The Mother Goddess for blessings and protection, and my dog to just simply lay his head in my lap, I've created an interesting rescue team for my troubled life. At least for as long as I'm attempting this whole guided meditation thing.

I don't know if it's helping me at all, but it's certainly brought up some interesting thoughts/emotions. Like just how much I'm hurting. It's really not all that surprising that I've been hiding away at home and avoiding the world in general.

To be perfectly frank, my life for the past year or two has been pretty bleak. Aside from a few important events that I drag myself to, frightened, kicking and screaming, my life at home has consisted of pretty much numbing myself. My average weekday is this: go to work so early that I don't have time to think in the mornings, work all day (very busy, intense work that needs more or less constant focus), get home, sit in front of the TV/computer, eat until I can't eat anymore, pick up whatever needle work I have going, turn on a movie/TV show, and knit/sew/stitch until bedtime, with occasional breaks to eat more and walk the dog. That's about it. Weekends are more of the same, minus the work part.

I binge to feel the pleasure that I'm convinced that I lack from anything else (usually at the same time as I'm watching/reading something so that I can not think about the fact that I'm bingeing), then ignore the world by distracting my brain with media and my hands with handiwork.

It's really kind of pathetic when I think about it, and awfully maladjusted. But the worst part is that I can't seem to find the strength in myself to stop. I tell myself that I'll face my fears, then fall into a tub of ice cream. I mean, I'm thankful that I'm not in worse shape, numbing myself with drugs or alcohol, but in a way, it's almost worse. I'm NOT ruining my life with substance abuse, I'm NOT trying to "end the pain" and escape through death, I am a functioning and productive member of society. I'm just hurt. Hurt and afraid. And so far, not able to muster up the gumption to be anything else but hurt and afraid. Why? Because I'll live. I'm not in any danger, nor putting others in danger. I don't need intervention. I need help, but who on this God forsaken planet doesn't?

Sorry for being so depressing, but this stuff has been on my mind a lot over the past week...