On Taking Two Steps Forward and One Step Back

I was really sick this weekend. It sucked major balls.

There was one good thing that came out of it, though. And that was a Monday off to recuperate. That one day that I was no longer deathly sick, but not really up and about yet gave me a chance to think about some things.

The first one came about through a brief, but deep conversation with a friend about a person needs to make themselves whole before attempting a relationship.

Now, this is a fact that I've known for years. But accepting a commonly spouted platitude is one thing, and having a good friend tell you right out, unsolicited, is quite another.

I ended up admitting to her something that I don't think I've really told anyone before. That I truly believe that I need a man to be happy. Not that I'm UNhappy without one. Just that I feel I'm at my best when I'm in a pair; that I'm not at my full potential when I'm alone. I feel that in order to be happy, I need to be able to make someone else happy. Someone special, who loves me entirely. The kind of love that soothes the hurts of my past by just existing. You know, that old chestnut. I KNOW that's unhealthy, and I KNOW that it's not the way to live a happy life. But I can't help it....

Her response was that by thinking that, I was setting myself up for some really rocky relationships, and that it's maybe not so good that while single, I'm constantly in "survival mode". So maybe it's a good thing that I've been single so long, because I still need to make myself whole.


So I thought about the next step. The next main step anyhow. In my brain, this is how the logical progression goes, mathematically speaking:

(me+friends)^social interaction=social life≥boyfriend

In other words, if I can learn to be social, then I can meet people (including men) which will eventually lead to a boyfriend.

Here is the problem. Emotionally speaking (ie fuck logic) it looks more like this:

Me [IIIIIIIIII BIG BRICK WALL OF FEAR IIIIIIIIIIII] Boyfreind

Yes, my friends, social interaction is a big stupid wall of fear. And to be honest, I don't know if I'll ever really be able to get over it, or even under it, or even through it.

As fatalistic as it sounds, I think I've just been hurt too many times by friends and "friends." I don't know if I'll ever really be able to trust other people as a whole. I've been personally betrayed by society at large, social groups, and individuals. Oh, I'll trust strangers, they've never given be reason not to. And I'll trust family...I don't really have a choice on that one, ha ha ha! And a few loyal friend who have always been good to me. Maybe a stronger person could have withstood the repetitive beat downs and disappointments...but I think I'm a lot more fragile that I'd like to admit.

So yeah, about that next step... It's really fucking big. And I've been trying for years to find baby steps that lead up to it, but so far, I've failed miserably.

So I'm trapped behind that proverbial, cliché-ed wall that's been built around my heart (soul?). And I have no fucking clue how to get out. If I ever can.

And THEN, I realize that I can't have finding a man as a life goal. I see that, and I understand it...but the problem is that I tend to rely on empirical evidence when it comes to life experiences. And empirical evidence says that I'm happier, healthier, more social and generous when I have someone to love. And let's be honest...I don't think it's coincidence that my depression last year started to fade when had sex for the first time in two and a half years, ha ha!

So whether I look at things emotionally or logically, I just can't seem to win.

Until I figure it out, I'll just keep in surviving, I guess.

In completely unrelated and slightly cheerier news, I ordered a bento box and some simple supplies. I'm hoping that having fun with my lunch will help motivate me to pack it more regularly AND help portion control my noontime meal. If all goes well, I'll post pictures :)