On Intimacy

The strangest thought came to me today.

I was walking down the corridor at work, thinking about my finances in my new place (and how they'll be a little tighter than expected thanks to the new pay schedule), and considering how I can get a roomie if I need the spare cash.

The idea of living with a stranger just doesn't appeal to me. I've always known that. I mean, I've been living on my own pretty much since I left home. I figured that I'm just a private person. Or, how I describe it sometimes: I like to be able to walk around naked if I want to, ha ha ha!

But then, it suddenly occurred to me.

I'm terrified of intimacy.

WELL! No WONDER I've had such a hard time making new friends! No WONDER I haven't had a boyfriend in 5 years!

It all makes sense.

Now, some of you may be shaking your head and saying, "Leah, The Queen of TMI, afraid of intimacy? I call bullshit."

And you would be half-right. The relationships that I've forged over years and years (ie. the vast majority of my current circle of friends), I'm okay with. It's the new people that scare the bejeezus out of me. Especially men. Men are the scariest. The idea of letting people get close to me (who haven't already been shown to be "trustworhy") just gives me the willies.

And that goes for physical and emotional closeness. For some reason, I have no problem with purely intellectual closeness. Which would account for my large number of long-distance friends.

I could rationalize this state of being by telling myself that it's okay to be as timid as I am. I was bullied all through elementary school and junior high, ostracised from my major program in uni (the folk in my minor program were awesome, though), and have spent the last 5 years having my heart torn to shreds by man after man after man. In fact, the only success I've had with men (apart from one or two notable exceptions) have been on the short term. As in one-night term.

SO yeah, I have plenty of reasons to justify my fear. But it seems that's all I've been doing in last years: justifying my fear.

I just have to figure out how to get over my fear without sending myself spiralling back in...

For now, though, I'm not going to think about it. I'm not going to plan or process or analyse. No schemes. No research. No more labels. I'm just going to move into my new house with Fezzik and Pandora, and let it be my clean slate. :)